Difficult post- don't read if you are upset

[timboo]

Hi,

I feel uncomfortable posting this, but I need to talk to someone about my feelings at the moment, and from my experience Christians are nice people who are good listeners.

I have never called myself 'A Christian'. My family is non-religious, but my sis is a firm believer. She encouraged me to go on an Alpha course a few years back (I'm 29 now). I have read the bible with interest and been to church with my friend many times. At the moment I am in a confused state of mind though.

Some more details- I have had a mild personality disorder all my life (Aspergers- if you have heard of it). I have been useless and terrified in social situations and made no close friends or partners. When I was 21 and severely depressed and lonely I tried to take my own life. Jumping from a high building, I survived but seriously injured. I have been in a wheelchair ever since. I have moved on, but suffer shame and humiliation over my situation. my family doesn't like being around me. recently i lost a job after a few months, for not being good enough, and i have given up hope of working again.

i feel guilty about taking state benefits, disrupting my family, basically being a spineless leech. at the moment i see no reason to go on, no purpose in living. i really yearn to have children, and a soulmate, but i am mentally incapable of dealing with a relationship. not that anyone would want to be with me. this sounds really self-pitying, but it is genuinely how i am feeling. the last couple of months i have thought hard about killing myself. i feel bad about it, but i am not scared of dying, because i struggle to belive in an 'afterlife'.

i have tried to open my mind though, looking at peoples experiences and thoughts on dying, heaven, hell, good and bad. if there is a God, i am not angry at him (or her), because it is my failings. but the thought of fading away, stopping all the fear, frustration, shame, and being free of my crippled body, is almost irresistible.

i can't talk to my family, my counsellor is nice but can't change me. if nothing changes, i could be dead before i turn 30. my parents will get a visit from the police- i hate the thought of that- but it doesn't change my mind.

so i have put my thoughts down at last, totally honest for a change. i am on the border between life and death and i don't know what is going to happen.

The end

[zoegirl]

I will pray for you....PLEASE please please contact someone about this.

If you can rally yourself and fear talking, may I suggest getting a copy of "Joni" by Joni Eriskson Tada?

She was injured at the age of 17 by diving into a body of water and severly injuring her spinal cord. She is paralyzed from the neck down . She went through a severe depression from this injury and the book is very powerful. It describes God's powerful work in her life through her depression. Her website is below

http://www.joniandfriends.org/

Please check it out.

I'm praying!!

[Kurieuo]

I can not know or understand what it is like and silence is really the only answer I have in direct response.

As a side response however, have you answered for yourself the purpose of life? If there is none then it doesn't really matter what you or anyone else does. If there is then your life really does matter as does the life of others.

Everything within me tells me there must be some ultimate meaning to life. Why else do people live on as though things really do matter? It is only through answering the question of life's purpose where an answer to living can be found. For if there is a purpose to life, then simply by existing or being your life is important regardless of what has been done or what can be done. So it really all boils down to one question and I pray you agree with me that there has to be and is some meaning to life. Something which makes all the pain many people have to go through worthwhile.

Interestingly Christ broken and crucified seems to represent just such a picture of life, as though God did not want to identify with those who have everything they could desire, but rather those who are broken and really do have a hard life. I think God wanted to symbolize in Christ a truth about the lives we live, that the lives we live may not be pretty or fair, but are rather a means to a final outcome of some plan. For myself, I see in Christ that there is a hope offered and symbolized through His resurrection that the pain seen in life has a purpose and more importantly an end. Somehow I think you know this, whether or not you know how or why, for why else would you post on a board such as this? And I pray you will be able to see the same.

[B. W.]

Hi timboo,

I guess you could call me one of those Case Managers in the human service field you know all too well about - so go easy on me. Okay???

I work with Aspergers. I am not sure what you mean by an 'Alpha course' your sis is apart of. So can you tell me about this?

Also, if you don't mind — tell me more about yourself. You write well — have you ever thought of writing a book about yourself and your experiences? Think about it and how many lives you can change and help others. You are not a failure.

Please read and believe on Jesus Christ and let him work on you a bit:

John 3:16, "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.”ESV

John 17:3, “And this is eternal life, that they know you the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom you have sent.” ESV

Romans 10:9-13, “…because, if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. 10 For with the heart one believes and is justified, and with the mouth one confesses and is saved. 11 For the Scripture says, "Everyone who believes in him will not be put to shame." 12 For there is no distinction between Jew and Greek; for the same Lord is Lord of all, bestowing his riches on all who call on him. 13 For "everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved." ESV

There is some inner healing you need and it can come from writing that book as you are not a no-body, nor a loser, but you are a somebody that God has a purpose for. Now I can hear you say, what — what purpose — well….

2 Corinthians 1:2-4, "Grace to you and peace from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ. 3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.” ESV

Please never forget this - …”may the...God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God."

You have a purpose and I pray that you grab hold of this vision and see what the Lord has for you. Consider writing that book and let no —one — including yourself stop you.

Come to Christ just as you are and awake to what He can do through you…

God Bless! From one of those nice but ornery case managers in the field…
-
-
-

[timboo]

Hi BW-

Just to explain; in the UK where i live, alpha courses are run in some churches to bring together and introduce people to the concept of christianity. They explain the basics, give people a history lesson in christianity, and also act as a social meeting place.

Before that, i had not given the bible any thought at all, i just looked at it as a dusty old book, no more relevant to me than the koran or any other historical book. i just considered it like an old fairy tale, because i knew nothing about it. on reading it, it is scary and doesn't make a lot of sense to me. i don't know who was supposed to have written it or when. also it seems very repetitive.

i looked in it for a purpose to life, and it seemed to be saying- to follow the ten commandments. if that is true then i have failed badly. aside from that i am not contributing much- i haven't made any offspring or made anyone happy, i am not working, not fulfilling a role. basically a waste of space, sucking up resources. so the world would be better off without me!

Thanks for your replies i appreciate your time.

Tim

[Canuckster1127]

Timboo,

Just a brief note. I've read your post. I can't understand a lot of what you've gone through and I won't pretend I can.

I had cancer 22 years ago and part of the aftermath for me has been major recurrant depression, which I've continued to wrestle with and have at times in my life been suicidal, but fortunately able to get help before crossing that line.

Many people don't understand what depression is like. Sadly, many in the Church, don't know how to handle its presence in other people's life and the result is that they pull back. Usually not because they don't care, but because they don't know what to do and are afraid of doing the wrong thing. Sadly too, some look at it as a Spiritual issue and take that up as a stick to beat someone who is already down and hurting.

It doesn't excuse the apparant lack of care. It does explain it though and sometimes that is all I can hang on to when I consider those whom I looked to help for at times, who when push came to shove, were not there.

Those who beat up depressed people with judgement and callousness, just have to be looked at as toxic, dangerous people and I've chosen to simply avoid them and limit my exposure in Churches where that attitude prevails.

It either took you a lot of courage to disclose what you have in this manner on a bulleting board, or else you're feeling very desparate and lonely, or more likely, it's some combination of both.

Do not accept the lie that you are not worth anything, and what's more, do not be the one to tell yourself that. It is a lie straight from the pit of hell.

I can only help in a very limited way, but if you private message me, I'll be happy to give some input and as much direction as you are willing to take to get the help you need.

In my own life, Christ has been the core of whatever strength I've been able to pull on beyond myself. I don't think I would be where I am relative to where I've been without that. I won't preach, but I'll be open about that as well.

Most importantly, if you hear nothing else, hear this. You are worth something. God loved you, personally, enough to send Christ to die for you. Knowing Christ doesn't make our lives easier. It does make it bearable however and provide the strength you need even for tough times.

Blessings to you,

Bart

[FFC]

Hey Timboo,
I'm so sorry about what you are going through and what you have been through in your life. I can't even begin too imagine how you are feeling. The only thing I know about Aspergers is that one of the charactors on Boston Legal has it and he makes a lot of funny noises and jumps around. Somebody watching it could think they are making light of it and using it for cheap comic effect, which granted may hold some truth, but what touches me is that he is surrounded by friends who love him and accept him as he is....a human being with a heart mind and a soul.

Timboo I and everyone else here accepts you as you are. We love you because God loves you. You may think your life has no point or meaning but God who is sovereign knows differently. You are not here by accident. There are many people you could encourage and help just because of your life experiences.

Keep sharing with us because it is good for you and us. Also don't write God off...He loves you more than you could ever know and friends like that are hard to come by.

Take care
FFC

[MarkyMark7]

God is mightier than any worldly struggle. He is faithful, he is awesome, he is loving, he is forgiving. Call out to him. God can use you in ways you cannot imagine. My Youth Pastor called out to God right before he was going to kill himself...and well he's my Youth Pastor now.