![Laughing :lol:](./images/smilies/icon_lol.gif)
someone told me it was a ridiculous idea. i gave the gun to my pastor.
i think that the embarrassment of you guys knowing will be a nice deterrant if i should ever entertain such a ludicrous idea again.
oh well, that's it.
It is a ridiculous idea and a sin. Why would a straight male want to kill themselves? You guys have it easy!Prodigal Son wrote:i wasn't ever going on a trip. i lied. i was actually going to blow my brains out.had my beautiful little glock pointed at my temple; picked the perfect time and day.
someone told me it was a ridiculous idea. i gave the gun to my pastor.
i think that the embarrassment of you guys knowing will be a nice deterrant if i should ever entertain such a ludicrous idea again.
oh well, that's it.
Hey PS, look, it is hard to stop thinking about what a family member does to you, it is even harder to forgive them, but you have to grasp reality and move on. If you stutter your way through life with these thoughts about what your father did, then you wont get anywhere but more self-loathing. You NEED to talk to your therapist about it, trust me on this on. It WILL release a lot of emotions stored up in you. Once you "spit" it out to him/her, he/she will be able to help you, but if you resist, you can't proceed in life. You will always feel guilty. I have been seeing my psychiatrist for over a year, my Christian counselor for about 5+ months, and my own dad (which is a doctor). I have opened up to all 3 and it has greatly reduced my emotions from the past. He/she will help you if you can tell them, that is why they are there. YOU NEED TO DO IT.Prodigal Son wrote:1) things my father did are stuck in my head. i can't get rid of them. sometimes they make me physically sick. i can't even talk about them to my therapist. i open my mouth but nothing comes out.
If they are doing that PS, you really need to find new friends. You say you "try" to find comfort in them, but you can't because of what they do. It is difficult to separate yourself from people you have known for a while, but it is really better to have friends that aren't a bad influence on you. People like the "friends" you mentioned want the party life, doing all those bad things. If you separated yourself from them NOW and then saw them in 10 years after continuing in what they did, not only would they regret what they did but you would regret ever hanging out with them in the first place.Prodigal Son wrote:2) all my friends are "bad" influences. i try to find comfort in them but all they are interested in is e, lines, pot, sex, whatever.
If you have done things that have caused her pain and the baby, she has a right to take custody of it if you are an endangerment to both. If I was a woman and my husband came home from whatever, knowing that he has friends that can cause him problems, I would want to be separated for the sake of not being in danger of anything.Prodigal Son wrote:3) my wife wants full custody of the baby.she won't even tell me if it's a boy or a girl. i won't even be considering that.
Get away from your friends and make new healthy ones, start a new life, stop lying to yourself that you are worthless, you aren't by any means. There are consequences for everything you do that is bad, there is no way of getting around it. Talk OPENLY to your therapist, let him/her know everything, and he/she will be able to help you. Without him/her knowing how to help you, why bother? The money you spend on your therapist should be well worth it, get all that you can from him/her. Don't keep your feelings inside, it will only build up and cause you to slip into emotional and physical problems. I detect depression within you, don't let it get worse. Remember, you aren't the only one in this entire world that is facing what you have been through, it could have been many times worse.Prodigal Son wrote:4) i lost the benefits of grace. i don't feel anymore again. food doesn't taste good. sex doesn't even feel good. it burns when people touch me. that's what it's like or i don't feel anything at all. i don't feel anything inside either. nothing is even funny.
Two words: SPIRITUAL WARFARE. You can give all to God, but remember that satan is the ruler of sin and the earth, he and his angels stop at NOTHING to cause you pain, hatred, anger, doubt, etc... PS, you can hate the things you have done, I myself hate the things I have done in my past and I even hated myself for a while, but don't hate yourself, move on. Like I said, just start over. It is hard to remove the things that you are so accommodated to in life, but you have to break it. You need a new beginning. Without one, you will either go in loops or you will just continue on a downward spiral ito hopelessness.Prodigal Son wrote:5) things i've done are stuck in my head. i've given it all to God, but i am growing increasingly bad again. i hate who i've been and who i am.
What is her reason for taking the baby then?Prodigal Son wrote:my baby's not born yet so she doesn't know that. i would never hurt my baby and she doesn't have the right to keep it away from me.
Do you currently live with your friends (or not) to split the difference in living expenses? If you do live with them, which I don't think you are unless you tell us, then I suggest you look for an alternative. If you live with your wife PS, why dont you pray WITH her about it. Get the Bible out and both of you can read from it. It has worked for countless people that are about to get broken up but then pardon it. Look for a good church, communicate with the people. Spending time on here is virtual, nothing beats being physically present to someone. Get engaged with some church activity. Maybe go out in nature with a backpack with a Bible with you and read from your Bible. I highly suggest you look for local activities going on around your city and get involved. Do something with your wife that she would love, change for her, maybe she is scared because you have multiple problems, drinking, smoking, and a bit of a sex addict? It is tough to kick habits, I have many myself, but after praying about it, God pulled through and released me. He can do the same with you. I will be open about one thing, I used to be addicted to masturbation for a long time, I couldn't stop, I had to do it, almost 8 years, I prayed to God many, many times. What was like overnight was a transformation, I no longer desired to masturbate everyday. My addiction is gone. I still am tempted, but I don't as much give in. There are two paths, the first one is do what you know is bad, and the other is turn away. Turning away from something could be like sprinkling holy water onto a demonically possessed person. It HURTS, but it is worth it to be yourself again.Prodigal Son wrote:where do i get a new beginning? i can't move away from my friends. who am i supposed to talk to? you guys? there is nowhere for me to go.
It can stop PS if you chose, it can linger, but it doesn't have to be so intense.Prodigal Son wrote:i don't mull over what he's done. it won't stop. it's in me and it won't stop.
Ah hah! You would THINK you would die, but it is the opposite. Look, I will be honest, I have done many bad things in my life I regret that is comparable to some of the things you have done. If you open up to your therapist, you will gradually feel better. Once you open up to him/her, he/she will ask questions, and you will probably have tons of questions for him/her. It's natural.Prodigal Son wrote:i'm ashamed of all of it. every single minute. if i said it out loud i think i'd die.
Prodigal Son wrote:i'm linking this to my therapist.
things my father has done:
once he broke my arm, he used to burn me with cigarettes, he beat my mother, he'd do weird, sick stuff like spit in our food and our mouths, used to lock me in the closet for hours, raped my sister for years (i walked in on him once by accident; then after that is seemed he wanted me/us watching--he left the door open alot; sometimes he'd do it in the living room), he knocked me out once, he would stand my sister in the living room and shoot her with rubberbands, he asked me to kill the dog, he used to masturbate my sister on the couch while he jacked-off. he did the same thing to me. my mother would be there too but she never did anything.
no matter how much i say it, it doesn't go away. it will never go away. i can't take it anymore.