www.landoverbaptist.net

Discussions surrounding the various other faiths who deviate from mainstream Christian doctrine such as LDS and the Jehovah's Witnesses.
Blessed
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www.landoverbaptist.net

#1

Post by Blessed » Wed Jan 31, 2018 2:19 am

This is the craziest website I've ever seen from people self identifying as Christian. Has anyone ever heard of these people before and are any of their views legitimate from a scriptural perspective?

They have posts about how anyone who masterbates should be executed due to the man in Genesis who spilled his seed on the ground. It seems the man refused to reproduce with his brothers widow as decreed under Jewish law by practicing the pull out method. He wasn't even masterbating. But these people have interpreted the verse to say he was put to death for masterbating and anyone who masterbates should be executed on death row. And yes they are serious.

They also say that kitty cats are demonic and should be killed. And discuss various ways which are best. They point to a verse about oxen who attack thier owners. Oxen. Yes, those big brute beasts you see on National Geographic videos.

There are other posts about how heavy metal music (all heavy metal apparently there is no distinction between an uplifting positive band like Def Leppard or Slayer they are all the same as far as they are concerned) are Satanic.

I've lost track of the insane posts on this website. I wasn't aware people like this still existed.


I thought all the kooks in modern day Christianity that are upending the church are primarily from the left, ideologically speaking ....

There is nothing this entertaining on TV. Wow. Just wow.

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Re: www.landoverbaptist.net

#2

Post by Stu » Wed Jan 31, 2018 2:57 am

I read some of the articles and comments on their forum (How Should I Kill My Kittens: Drowning Or Smash Their Heads In?), and some of them are just outright loony tunes, cruel and others racist.

Here is a partial quote:
HERE is what you must do. (Note, you cannot drug the animal, it has to be conscious during the process to protect your family)

1. Secure the cat, making sure it does not scratch or bite you or any of your family (especially your children)

2. Cut off the cats ears, so witches cannot hear you.

3. Tear out the cats tongue, so witches cannot use it to curse or speak evils among your family.

4. Hack off the cats limbs, so that the spirit of the witch cannot walk among you.

5. Gouge out the cats eyes, so that witches cannot see among you.

6. Sew the eyes, mouth and ears closed of the animal, and be careful not to let it's blood get on you.

7. Burn the animal

8. Bury the carcass of the animal in a Church grounds, the marker must be a Christian cross, and you will need to pray over it and ask God to send the animal to the pits of Hell, and protect your family from the evils it has spread among you.

If anyone needs a full detailed account of the prayers required, and methods of restraining a cat during this process, please feel free to contact me. I am well-versed in dealing with these vile animals.

I hope this helps.
Only when the blood runs and the shackles restrain, will the sheep then awake. When all is lost.

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Re: www.landoverbaptist.net

#3

Post by RickD » Wed Jan 31, 2018 3:33 am

If you did a simple google search, you would've seen that the site is a parody.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Landover_Baptist_Church
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claysmithr (Wed Jan 31, 2018 7:56 am)
1 Corinthians 1:9
9 God is faithful, through whom you were called into fellowship with His Son, Jesus Christ our Lord.

Audie wrote:
"Christianity is not a joke, but it has some very poor representatives."


St. Richard the Sarcastic--The Patron Saint of Irony

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Re: www.landoverbaptist.net

#4

Post by Storyteller » Wed Jan 31, 2018 3:44 am

They offer a salvation plan, the cheapest on the net no less! $839.00 They dare anyone to find anyone offering this package cheaper Anywhere on the internet!!!
You get a certificate too!You can meet for complimentary cocktails at their church in their executive ballroom on Judgement Day evening.
They charge to ensure "you are serious about God" oh, and there is a $11,750 "activation charge"

Oh my... they fine you for all sorts of things, like being late for, or not attending church.
There is a dress code! Women should dress and act like a submissive female helpmate.

Their kids page is just unreal...

Their site would be funny if it wasnt so scary :shock:
Faith is a knowledge within the heart, beyond the reach of proof - Kahlil Gibran

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Re: www.landoverbaptist.net

#5

Post by Storyteller » Wed Jan 31, 2018 3:49 am

RickD wrote:If you did a simple google search, you would've seen that the site is a parody.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Landover_Baptist_Church
:pound:

I feel better now.
Faith is a knowledge within the heart, beyond the reach of proof - Kahlil Gibran

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Re: www.landoverbaptist.net

#6

Post by Nicki » Wed Jan 31, 2018 7:55 am

Okay, I looked at it after I'd read Rick's post, but I'm pretty sure 'guaranteeing salvation since 1620!' (just for a start) would've told me it was a joke. It's pretty funny anyway.

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Re: www.landoverbaptist.net

#7

Post by RickD » Wed Jan 31, 2018 10:01 am

Here's their motto:
"Where the worthwhile worship. Unsaved unwelcome!"
Gotta admit, that is kinda funny. In an ironic sorta way.
1 Corinthians 1:9
9 God is faithful, through whom you were called into fellowship with His Son, Jesus Christ our Lord.

Audie wrote:
"Christianity is not a joke, but it has some very poor representatives."


St. Richard the Sarcastic--The Patron Saint of Irony

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Re: www.landoverbaptist.net

#8

Post by Blessed » Wed Jan 31, 2018 10:40 am

I thought it was a joke but I can't figure out it is or not ..

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Re: www.landoverbaptist.net

#9

Post by RickD » Wed Jan 31, 2018 10:49 am

Blessed wrote:I thought it was a joke but I can't figure out it is or not ..
That's why we mods are here. We catch some things that people are too lazy to do a simple google search for people miss.
:mrgreen:
1 Corinthians 1:9
9 God is faithful, through whom you were called into fellowship with His Son, Jesus Christ our Lord.

Audie wrote:
"Christianity is not a joke, but it has some very poor representatives."


St. Richard the Sarcastic--The Patron Saint of Irony

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Re: www.landoverbaptist.net

#10

Post by Blessed » Wed Jan 31, 2018 11:23 am

Looks like a joke but .. I don't know ... I hope it's a joke ..

http://www.landoverbaptist.net/showthread.php?t=52601




.

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Re: www.landoverbaptist.net

#11

Post by RickD » Wed Jan 31, 2018 3:05 pm

Blessed wrote:Looks like a joke but .. I don't know ... I hope it's a joke ..

http://www.landoverbaptist.net/showthread.php?t=52601




.
I don't know, that looks real to me.

Maybe you should call to find out. That could solve your problem with finding the right "girl". Nice girl. Virgin. Put the money you earned in evil Las Vegas to good use.

What do you have to lose?
1 Corinthians 1:9
9 God is faithful, through whom you were called into fellowship with His Son, Jesus Christ our Lord.

Audie wrote:
"Christianity is not a joke, but it has some very poor representatives."


St. Richard the Sarcastic--The Patron Saint of Irony

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Re: www.landoverbaptist.net

#12

Post by thatkidakayoungguy » Wed Jan 31, 2018 5:10 pm

RickD wrote:
Blessed wrote:Looks like a joke but .. I don't know ... I hope it's a joke ..

http://www.landoverbaptist.net/showthread.php?t=52601




.
I don't know, that looks real to me.

Maybe you should call to find out. That could solve your problem with finding the right "girl". Nice girl. Virgin. Put the money you earned in evil Las Vegas to good use.

What do you have to lose?
Studies show 10% of women these days are virgin in the US.
Blessed, might wanna go foreign.

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Re: www.landoverbaptist.net

#13

Post by RickD » Wed Jan 31, 2018 6:20 pm

thatkidakayoungguy wrote:
RickD wrote:
Blessed wrote:Looks like a joke but .. I don't know ... I hope it's a joke ..

http://www.landoverbaptist.net/showthread.php?t=52601




.
I don't know, that looks real to me.

Maybe you should call to find out. That could solve your problem with finding the right "girl". Nice girl. Virgin. Put the money you earned in evil Las Vegas to good use.

What do you have to lose?
Studies show 10% of women these days are virgin in the US.
Blessed, might wanna go foreign.
Maybe try Russian mail order bride.

I won my wife playing poker in Atlantic City. After living with her for 20 plus years, I'm starting to think that my Royal Flush was actually the losing hand.
1 Corinthians 1:9
9 God is faithful, through whom you were called into fellowship with His Son, Jesus Christ our Lord.

Audie wrote:
"Christianity is not a joke, but it has some very poor representatives."


St. Richard the Sarcastic--The Patron Saint of Irony

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Re: www.landoverbaptist.net

#14

Post by Kurieuo » Sat Feb 03, 2018 8:57 pm

Virgin was a requirement for me when seeking a potential wife. I thought, heck if I didn't get to lose it earlier in life, then why would I want someone who got "luckier" than myself to rub it in. :P
"Whoever will call on the name of the Lord will be saved." (Romans 10:13)

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Re: www.landoverbaptist.net

#15

Post by claysmithr » Thu Feb 08, 2018 9:41 am

Site makes me physically ill, mocking God can't be good for their spiritual health.

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