Physics jokes

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1over137
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Physics jokes

#1

Post by 1over137 » Wed Oct 24, 2012 10:12 am

A neutron walked into a bar and asked, "How much for a drink?" The bartender replied, "For you, no charge."
***
Two atoms were walking across a road when one of them said, "I think I lost an electron!" "Really!" the other replied, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I 'm absolutely positive."
***
Here is a teaching tip for physics professors: When a student tries to paraphrase something you have just taught, feed her or him the following line: "I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant." This will guarantee that the student will not interrupt your class again until the next semester.
***
This is apparently a true story. It took place just outside of Munich, Germany.
Heisenberg went for a drive and got stopped by a traffic cop. The cop asked, "Do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg replied, "No, but I know where I am."
***
Q: How many theoretical physicists specializing in general relativity does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to hold the bulb and one to rotate the universe.
***
A student riding in a train looks up and sees Einstein sitting next to him. Excited he asks, "Excuse me, professor. Does Boston stop at this train?"
***
Absolute zero is cool.
***
Seen on the door to a light-wave lab:
"CAUTION! Do not look into laser with remaining good eye."
***
You enter the laboratory and see an experiment. How will you know which class is it?
If it's green and wiggles, it's biology.
If it stinks, it's chemistry.
If it doesn't work, it's physics.
***
A theory is something nobody believes, except the person who made it.
An experiment is something everybody believes, except the person who made it. (Albert Einstein)
***
A mathematician, an engineer and a physicist sat around a table discussing how to measure the volume of a cow.
The mathematician suggested the use of geometry and symmetry relationships of the cow, but his idea was rejected on the grounds of being too time consuming.

The engineer suggested placing the cow in a pool of water and measuring the change in the height of the water, but his idea was rejected on the grounds of impracticality.

"It's easy," said the physicist. "We'll make an assumption that the cow is a small sphere, calculate the volume and then blow it up to the actual size."
***
The renowned cosmogonist Professor Bignumska, lecturing on the future of the universe, had just stated that in about a billion years, according to her calculations, the earth would fall into the sun in a fiery death. In the back of the auditorium a tremulous voice piped up: "Excuse me, Professor, but h-h-how long did you say it would be?"
Professor Bignumska calmly replied, "About a billion years."
A sigh of relief was heard. "Whew! for a minute there, I thought you said million years."
***
After Receiving an Invitation to a Physicists' Ball:
Volta was electrified and Archimedes was buoyant at the thought.
Ampère was worried he wasn't up on current research.
Ohm resisted the idea at first.
Boyle said he was under too much pressure.
Hertz promised that in the future he will attend with greater frequency.
Henry begged off due to a low capacity for alcohol.
Pierre and Marie Curie were radiating enthusiasm.
Born thought the probability of enjoying himself is pretty high.
Einstein thought it would be relatively easy to attend.
Heisenberg was uncertain whether he could make it.
Schrödinger had to take his cat to the vet, or did he?
Hawking said he'd try to string enough time together to make a space in his schedule.
***
Why did the chicken cross the road?

Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
Issac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest, chickens in motion tend to cross roads.
Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends on your frame of reference.
Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.
Wolfgang Pauli: There already was a chicken on this side of the road.
***
How many physicists does it take to change a light bulb?
Eleven. One to do it and ten to co-author the paper.
How many astronomers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, astronomers prefer the dark.
How many radio astronomers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They are not interested in that short wave stuff.
How many general relativists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One holds the bulb, while the other rotates the universe.
***
:)
But examine everything carefully; hold fast to that which is good.
-- 1 Thessalonians 5:21

For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.
-- Philippians 1:6

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Re: Physics jokes

#2

Post by Stygian » Thu Oct 25, 2012 10:35 am

I dunno if this counts, buuuuuut...

--------
Scientist: "God, we don't need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing - in other words, we can now do what you did in the beginning."

God: "Do tell."

Scientist: "Well, we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of you and breathe life into it, thus creating man."

God: "Can I have a demonstration?"

The scientist bends down to the earth and starts molding the soil into the shape of a man.

God: "Hey, get your own dirt!"
--------
XD

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Re: Physics jokes

#3

Post by 1over137 » Thu Oct 25, 2012 10:45 am

I already knew that one. But thanks. It's a good joke. :)
But examine everything carefully; hold fast to that which is good.
-- 1 Thessalonians 5:21

For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.
-- Philippians 1:6

#foreverinmyheart

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Re: Physics jokes

#4

Post by RickD » Tue Oct 30, 2012 9:49 am

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Calvinist: Because it was elected to cross the road.

Arminian: It chose to cross the road, by its own free will.

Young Earth Creationist: It took the chicken 6 literal days to cross the road.

Darwinian evolutionist: It evolved from a pterodactyl by the time it crossed the road.

Theistic evolutionist: The chicken really didn't cross the road, it was only a symbolic crossing.

Mormon: It crossed the road to become a god.

Pentecostal: the chicken crossed the road speaking in tongues.

7th day Adventist: The chicken had to wait till Sunday to cross the road.

Amish: The chicken crossed the road in a horse-drawn buggy.

Westboro Baptist Church: The chicken crossed the road to protest a funeral.

Catholic: The chicken didn't cross the road, it crossed the Tiber.

Mitt Romney: The chicken kept flip-flopping on whether or not to cross the road.

Barack Obama: The chicken had to get its birth certificate on the other side.
1 Corinthians 1:9
9 God is faithful, through whom you were called into fellowship with His Son, Jesus Christ our Lord.

Audie wrote:
"Christianity is not a joke, but it has some very poor representatives."


St. Richard the Sarcastic--The Patron Saint of Irony

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Re: Physics jokes

#5

Post by 1over137 » Tue Oct 30, 2012 10:14 am

Hana: The chicken did not cross the road. It was baked and eaten by me. :ebiggrin:
But examine everything carefully; hold fast to that which is good.
-- 1 Thessalonians 5:21

For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.
-- Philippians 1:6

#foreverinmyheart

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Re: Physics jokes

#6

Post by Furstentum Liechtenstein » Tue Oct 30, 2012 11:14 am

Orthodox Judaism: Rabbi Ben-Solomon interpreted the chicken crossing as an Halachic zmanim necessary to accomplish before Shabbat. The Midrash says of this chicken, Avinu She'Bashamayim, while Rabbi Ben-Avram agrees and adds that the chicken's passion is so intense that she doesn't care for her safety.

:cloud9:
Hold everything lightly. If you don't, it will hurt when God pries your fingers loose as He takes it from you. -Corrie Ten Boom

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If they had a social gospel in the days of the prodigal son, somebody would have given him a bed and a sandwich and he never would have gone home.

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Re: Physics jokes

#7

Post by thatkidakayoungguy » Fri Oct 19, 2018 6:24 am

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from KFC.

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