....walks into a bar.

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CliffsofBurton
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....walks into a bar.

#1

Post by CliffsofBurton » Sat Apr 25, 2009 8:26 pm

This one is my dad's favorite joke:

A skeleton walks into a bar and yells at the bartender, "Hey! Barkeep! Get me a beer and a mop!"

A few other good ones:

Two guys walk into a bar. The third guy ducks.

An Irishman WALKS out of a bar.

A blonde walks into a library and loudly proclaims, "I'll have a Cosmopolitan, please!" The stunned librarian says, "Ma'am, this is a library." The blond says, "Oh," and then whispers, "I'll have a Cosmopolitan, please!"
"This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality.
Embrace this moment. Remember. We are eternal.
All this pain is an illusion."
Artist:Tool Album:Lateralus Title:Parabola

As I was going up the stair,
I met a man who wasn't there.
He wasn't there again today,
I wish, I wish he'd stay away.
Hughes Mearns

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Harry12345
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Re: ....walks into a bar.

#2

Post by Harry12345 » Tue May 12, 2009 7:20 am

A man walks into a bar and says, "Doctor, doctor, I think I need glasses!"
If you're born once, you die twice; but if you're born twice, you die once.

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Re: ....walks into a bar.

#3

Post by cslewislover » Wed May 13, 2009 11:22 am

Harry12345 wrote:A man walks into a bar and says, "Doctor, doctor, I think I need glasses!"
I think this one should've been posted in the unfunnies. y:p
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Re: ....walks into a bar.

#4

Post by For_Narniaaa » Sat May 16, 2009 12:26 pm

A bear walks into a bar. He's starving, so he takes a big bite out of the counter before sitting down. Then he turns to the bartender and says, "Gimme a beer, please."

"Sorry," the bartender replies, "but we don't serve drug addicts."

"WHAT!?" hollered the bear. "I'm a bear! I'm not on any drugs!"

"Oh, yeah?" the bartender fired back. "What about that bar-bit-you-ate?"

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Re: ....walks into a bar.

#5

Post by TallMan » Wed Jul 15, 2009 5:48 am

A body-builder walks into a bar, but cannot get past the mirror in the hallway.

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Re: ....walks into a bar.

#6

Post by For_Narniaaa » Wed Jul 15, 2009 10:14 am

TallMan wrote:A body-builder walks into a bar, but cannot get past the mirror in the hallway.
Ouch! y#-o
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"Fear of the Lord is the foundation of true knowledge." ~Proverbs 1:7

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Re: ....walks into a bar.

#7

Post by TallMan » Wed Jul 15, 2009 10:37 am

For_Narniaaa wrote:Ouch! y#-o
I'm not sure you get the joke.

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Re: ....walks into a bar.

#8

Post by ageofknowledge » Wed Jul 15, 2009 11:57 am

A lawyer died and found himself in a long line at the entrance to heaven where St Peter was carefully reviewing a Book of Life to see if their name was recorded in it. As St Peter scanned the line he saw the lawyer near the rear and closed the book, handing it to a trusted angel, and ran over to meet the man.

"Mr. Johnson, what a pleasure to finally have you in our midst. We're so happy to see you. Please come right this way," St Peter said as he escorted the man directly into heaven.

The man was stunned as St Peter ushered him into a golden limo and began driving down the streets of glory. The entire heavenly host had turned out and it was the best ticker tape parade ever seen. The laywer finally turned to St Peter and said, "I don't know why you are doing all this. I was just a simple lawyer and good family man. I never made it big and I often worked on cases for free that involved innocent men."

St Peter turned calmly to the man and said warmly, "Don't spoil our fun. You're the first lawyer these angels have ever seen."

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Re: ....walks into a bar.

#9

Post by psalms55.21 » Fri Jul 24, 2009 12:02 pm

A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests. He says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest says, "No, son, you're not." So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest says, "No, son, you're not." The drunk says, "Look, I can prove it." He walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and exclaims, "Jesus Christ, you're here again?"

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Re: ....walks into a bar.

#10

Post by For_Narniaaa » Fri Jul 24, 2009 2:50 pm

TallMan wrote:
For_Narniaaa wrote:Ouch! y#-o
I'm not sure you get the joke.
No, I got it. I meant "ouch" as in insulting.
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"Fear of the Lord is the foundation of true knowledge." ~Proverbs 1:7

"The God of the universe---the Creator of nitrogen and pine needles, galaxies and E-minor---loves you with a radical, unconditional, self-sacrificing love." ~Francis Chan

Banner credit: arwen-undomiel.com

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Re: ....walks into a bar.

#11

Post by Jac3510 » Tue Jul 28, 2009 9:01 am

A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Got any grapes?" The bartender says no, so the duck leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, "Got any grapes?"

"No," the bartender says. "I told you that yesterday," so the duck leaves.

He comes back the next day and says again, "Got any grapes?"

"I've told you twice, no, and I'm not going to tell you again. If you ask me that one more time, I'm going to staple your feet to the bar!!!" So the duck leaves.

The next day, the duck walks into the bar again.

"Got any staples?"

"What? No . . ."

"Got any grapes?"

[/old]
Proinsias wrote:I don't think you are hearing me. Preference for ice cream is a moral issue
And that, brothers and sisters, is the kind of foolishness you get people who insist on denying biblical theism. A good illustration of any as the length people will go to avoid acknowledging basic truths.

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Re: ....walks into a bar.

#12

Post by For_Narniaaa » Tue Jul 28, 2009 9:23 am

:pound: I love it, Jac!
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"Fear of the Lord is the foundation of true knowledge." ~Proverbs 1:7

"The God of the universe---the Creator of nitrogen and pine needles, galaxies and E-minor---loves you with a radical, unconditional, self-sacrificing love." ~Francis Chan

Banner credit: arwen-undomiel.com

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Re: ....walks into a bar.

#13

Post by jamiej » Sun Jul 10, 2011 10:45 pm

I saw it many times. :egeek:
Jamie James

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Re: ....walks into a bar.

#14

Post by Silvertusk » Wed Jul 20, 2011 11:21 pm

Jac3510 wrote:A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Got any grapes?" The bartender says no, so the duck leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, "Got any grapes?"

"No," the bartender says. "I told you that yesterday," so the duck leaves.

He comes back the next day and says again, "Got any grapes?"

"I've told you twice, no, and I'm not going to tell you again. If you ask me that one more time, I'm going to staple your feet to the bar!!!" So the duck leaves.

The next day, the duck walks into the bar again.

"Got any staples?"

"What? No . . ."

"Got any grapes?"

[/old]

Here is the youtube version of that joke - very funny.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MtN1YnoL46Q

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Re: ....walks into a bar.

#15

Post by PaulSacramento » Thu Jul 21, 2011 10:57 am

A family sits down to dinner when the little boy asks his father,

"Dad, What is politics?"

The father answers,

"Well son, think of it like our family; I make the money so we will call me Capitalism, your Mom controls the money so we will call her the Government, we employ the nanny so she is The Working Class, your Mom and I provide for you so we can call you The People and your baby brother is The Future."

The little boy is confused by this and after dinner is put to bed in the room he shares with his infant brother. In the middle of the night he is awakened by his infant brother's hysterical cries and gets up to find that his brother has severely soiled himself; the entire crib is covered in [poop].

The boy goes to wake up the nanny only to find that her door is locked. He looks in the keyhole and sees his dad in bed with the nanny. He goes to wake up his mom, but she drank an entire box of wine and is unresponsive. The boy gives up and goes back to bed.

At the breakfast table the next morning the boy says to his father,

"Dad I think I understand Politics now."

"Great son, tell me in your own words what Politics means."

"While Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government's asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep [poop]."

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