Byblos wrote: ↑
Mon Jul 30, 2018 7:52 am
Wow, a voice from the past. How the heck are you KateLiz? Has it really been 11 years? Good to see you back.
Hey Byblos; yeah it's been nearly eleven years since I last posted, maybe since I last logged in. I was surprised that I got the password correct. It's amazing to see someone from those good ol' days again -- how have you been yourself?
How the heck am I? Well, I'm not sure I want to say. Been going through fire, but I really hope that it's all to refine me into gold, in this Laodicean age, (Revelation 3:18-19 “I advise you to buy from Me gold refined in the fire, so that you become rich; and white garments, so that you become dressed, so that the shame of your nakedness might not be shown; and anoint your eyes with ointment, so that you see. As many as I love, I reprove and discipline.") If that's not the purpose of all this... well I'd rather not think of that.
To sum it up, I got married maybe a year and a half after leaving here, (still happily married, though there's always things to work on,) got pregnant right after, saw my health mysteriously crash hard, had a miscarriage, (another soul straight to heaven without further suffering here; I'm just fine with that,) and all these years since I've been struggling to get my health back. Been doing better bit by bit, as I figure out what's all wrong with me, (mainly Chronic Fatigue Syndrome,) and just this past month I've been using glutamine to give me a bit more productivity, which is really nice despite how incapable I still am. I have to keep learning, and being my own doctor as this illness isn't officially recognized, nor can it be even diagnosed apart from the symptoms. Fun fun!
There are days, (or maybe I can now say there used
to be??) where I've exhausted all I have for the day just by walking from the couch to the bathroom and back, and I've cried some at times just at the thought of getting up to microwave food for myself (when my husband is at work or sleeping). Then there've been the odd times where I've suddenly and mysteriously had more energy, like when I spent all night last fall putting up a ceiling fan by myself; husband woke to find it all up and running. That was a lot more physical work then it sounds, but somehow I was able. We built a brand new house two years ago, coming straight from a poorly run apartment that drove us crazy. Still a lot of work to do on it, and as my husband also has low energy and generally poor health, it's a very slow process. New houses are a lot of work, I've learned; you wouldn't think so, but they are.
And I've been through the ringer emotionally and socially as well. After moving out of my mother's house after getting married, I finally felt safe enough from my family to emotionally crash. I crashed some after my older sister moved out to get married two years before that, finally feeling safe from her, but moving away from all of them and the family home broke the dam of tears I'd been holding back all my life. You see my family emotionally abused me, and my sister physically abused me at times. My "mother" in a way even let her then boyfriend molest my sister and I when we were in elementary school, (there were too many signs of what was happening, and signs that she knew something about it, though hardly doing a thing about it until my sister outright told her, which led to his arrest). I essentially left my family about nine years ago, though I've been a few times in touch with my brother. Just two weeks ago I saw him for the second time since, as he came to see my new house, (was nervous about giving my address to anyone in the family,) and to pick up some supplements I wanted to give to his daughter, who I just learned has autism, which I've learned about in my own health research. My Grandpa from my mother's side of the family just died a month ago, which is why my brother contacted me. It was the first family death during this time I've been AWOL, and I decided not to go to his wake or funeral. It helped that I didn't like the man, and never felt close to him at all.
As for friends, I quickly lost the few I kept after highschool, including the one known on here as "tarreyl" (who was one of my two best friends for years). Their hearts grew cold and I got fed up with it, and their immorality. I made a few friends since, but none lasted, and now I only have my hair stylist, who I only see a few times a year at most. Lost one of several years I met on Facebook because I had to tell his fiance, who he has a child with, that he cheated on her. He was a Brother who confessed his sin to me, seemingly out of repentance, who then blamed me for ruining his family and ditched me, not taking responsibility for his sins. My husband is my best friend for life, and now my only friend. I can't work because of my health, and only leave the house a few times a year now. I'm alone most of the time, which I've grown accustomed to, but when I'm at odds with my husband I feel utterly alone, and struggle with believing that anyone loves me, or can love me, (even God,) and I get into these really deep depressions at times where I feel like I'm floating in an empty, dark void where there's no light or love or warmth from even God, and that I'm such a nothing I don't even have a soul, as the sole fluke of Creation. Can't describe how horrendous that feels other than to say it feels like a living hell.
Uh, yeah, call that a "sum up". lol After all these years I still can't get myself to be terse. Verbosity abounds within me, and cannot be contained! I'm still silly all the time, (can't you tell??
,) but not the same girl who laughs and uses exclamation points all the time as I used to be on here. I've been tamed, so-to-speak -- tempered. Not that I didn't have struggles before, (that's the story of my life, including longing after death,) but now I'm worn-down. Also been waiting for eighteen years for a more full salvation that He promised me in this lifetime, but it hasn't come yet; this refining fire has been not just very hot but also very long. Well, my whole life has been a refining fire. But I feel like I'm finally reaching my limits with waiting for it to be over, and for my real life to really begin. I still anticipate a future ministry that'll put all of this to good use. But, then again, maybe I'm just crazy and hoping on a delusion!
Haven't I always been a little nutso??