tunde1992 wrote:Is anyone gonns give me actual advice? The pastor told my mom, to come together and rebuild Iwe may forgive him, my mom and older brother but I can never respect him I never did but noew I do even less... And I can never trust him he ruined 7 years of my life he has been keeping a lie for 19 yearss,yea apparently now I have a real mom 2 stepmoms a stepsis and a stepbrother screw that bastard oh God!!
Actual advice? What advice can I actually give?
We live is a broken, mixed up crazy world with crazy families all cemented and held together by rejection, abandonment, betrayal, fear, neglect, dominance control, bitterness, hurt, anger, and the list goes on and on.
You, your siblings (even your new ones), and your mom have been betrayed, abandoned, rejected, and the hurt runs deep. To this, goes a host of emotions that go along with these seared emotional wounds. I don’t think there is a lot I can say, right now that could bring order to the chaos you feel. So let me just ramble a bit, if that is okay...
Your dad betrayed, lied, and rejected you and your family. As for the other woman and her children – he will most likely do the same to them. In my career, I worked in the criminal justice system and dealt with individuals whose actions were motivated by sex. Your father most likely has a sexual problem and it drives him to hunger for new sexual conquest after a relationship matures.
Such individuals play games of control – they have a secret and ‘
get off’ on lying to spouse/family/friends while covering up their affairs. They gain a sense of power, dominance, and control – they finally feel in control of their lives. Somewhere, in the past, your dad was emotionally robbed and somehow feels the need to exert power to feel in control again. So after a relationship matures, he bores and tires of it and seeks a new thrill. This thrill is like a drug – it hooks a person to feel like they have control over their lives = it is that sense of control he maybe addicted too – needs a new relationship and then another.
Your dad has a broken heart. No human being can fix that. This came about by his own life events and serve as a substitute to justify, in his mind, excuses for his actions. Well, you may not like what I say, but he is heading straight for hell. Do you really desire him to go there? I do not.
There is much confusion regarding what it means to forgive someone. Forgiveness simply means to release someone from a debt you think they owe you whether it be based on revenge, bitterness, hurt, rejection, abandonment, etc and etc. In the Christian sense, it means to release them into God’s Hands – in other words one prays:
I give the perp (perpetrator) over to you Lord to work in the perp’s life You’re will, not mine, be done to them – I release them to you, Lord Jesus. Can you do this - may not now - maybe later - only you and Lord can work this part out.
The purpose of forgiving is to releases a person from the baggage that a perp places on another, so the rejection, abandonment, and betrayal does not ruin your life as it did your father’s. Ask the Lord to look through your dad's eyes and see why your father did these things to you and family and to any other family he starts. This may take years and in doing this, you’ll find release. Till then, you feel hurt, betrayed, rejected, abandoned – and you have that right to feel that way and so does your family. It is too difficult to forgive and forget as most Christian Counselors advise doing, right now.
Now is the time for grief and for others in the body of Christ to grieve (mourn) with you as the Apostle Paul wrote to do in Romans. That is all we can do right now, together; Right now, you feel hate and maybe even murder in your heart and great grief. Maybe you your mom feels this way:
this is my fault why this happened – if I did this or that it would not happen. That –
its my fault – attitude is a form of psychological control a perp uses upon their victims – it is an ‘
I am in control – look at my power over you – I can make you feel bad! Don’t give place to this mindset, resist it, tell your mother to resist it, this was not your all's fault. The perp has issues, he most likely was abandoned and rejected somewhere in life – maybe had a controlling parent – (who knows – I don’t) that caused him to live as he does.
Often such folk that do this, who live double and triple lives, appear so caring, nice, the perfect spouse and family man to their families but a closer examination, in hindsight, may reveal subtle signs that this was a form of control dominance, a game, such perps play. There’ll be hints, a glance, a stare, a look, a gesture, an odd comment here and there that strikes you as odd.
Recalling these things may make you angry. Remember, one can be angry and sin not. This means, a continual releasing of the perp into God’s hands alone and not your own. Then one day, all the anger, and rage is gone. Don’t be held in bondage. Such bondage to rejection, betrayal, etc, that controlled your father. Don’t let it follow and control you – after all, the buck stops with you. But for now, it is okay to grieve and mourn and run to the Lord and seek the Why’s.
As much as we can on this forum should mourn with you and provide some sort of moral comfort if we can and may that be reflected to you by many here.
It's okay to grieve, to hurt, to cry...
God bless
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