I need help. (female problems.)

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Dallas
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I need help. (female problems.)

#1

Post by Dallas » Thu Feb 23, 2012 9:30 am

Don't know if this fits here, but oh well :P
I've had a crush on a female for some time now. It's a different type of crush. It's more of a emotional/mental attraction, compared to the physical/sexual attraction. I've talked to my Youth pastor and a Friend of hers about it, and they told me just to talk to her. I'm afraid to though :( . She just got out of a horrible breakup, which made me mad on how her ex handled it. Nonetheless, I just need some tips to be more or less appropriate for the situation. And before you ask why i'm attracted to her, i'm going to tell you. "It's something I just can't explain. It is just something about her that i find so appealing." I think a reason why i'm feeling this way is because it might be an answered prayer, and that she kinda meets the requirements I see in a female. Follower of Christ, intelligent,etc... :P . Lord Willing it fits in Gods will.

Tips/Help?
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Re: I need help. (female problems.)

#2

Post by Reactionary » Thu Feb 23, 2012 10:10 am

Dallas wrote:Don't know if this fits here, but oh well :P
Hi Dallas. Well, this most likely isn't a theological topic, but I don't see a problem. This isn't some totalitarian forum where you have your thread locked and get an infraction for writing anything that doesn't fit the criteria. :mrgreen:

Dallas wrote:I've had a crush on a female for some time now. It's a different type of crush. It's more of a emotional/mental attraction, compared to the physical/sexual attraction.
That's good. When you feel the former, it's much easier to start feeling the latter. Not the other way around though.

Dallas wrote:I've talked to my Youth pastor and a Friend of hers about it, and they told me just to talk to her.
They told you correctly. By the way, if you talked to a close friend of hers, it might be possible that your crush already knows about your feelings. :ewink:

Dallas wrote:I'm afraid to though :( .
That's the catch. It's a trick that a young male brain frequently does to its owner, unfortunately. When you become attracted to a girl, a mixture of hormones and other biological and psychological stuff makes you think that she's the best in the world. You start idolizing her, that's why you fear that you may not be good enough for her. Ignore that. Keep in mind that she's a human being like anyone else, and that you have qualities to impress.

Dallas wrote:She just got out of a horrible breakup, which made me mad on how her ex handled it. Nonetheless, I just need some tips to be more or less appropriate for the situation.
First, don't mention her ex.

Second, if I were you, I'd just like to be sure that she's not one of those trouble-seeking, submissive girls who date violent guys for reasons that aren't that easy to explain. They usually end up in abusive marriages with bullies, who emotionally blackmail them, as well as beat them. Such are to be avoided.

Dallas wrote: And before you ask why i'm attracted to her, i'm going to tell you. "It's something I just can't explain. It is just something about her that i find so appealing." I think a reason why i'm feeling this way is because it might be an answered prayer, and that she kinda meets the requirements I see in a female. Follower of Christ, intelligent,etc... :P . Lord Willing it fits in Gods will.
It's definitely good that you share religious beliefs. Sharing common ideology/worldview is, in my opinion, a must if we're looking for someone in the long term.

OK, now a few of my questions.
I assume you haven't talked to her yet. Have you ever made eye contact?
Does she know who you are?
Where did you notice her, and what are the common places you visit?
How often do you see her?
How old is she? Older/younger?

Write. 8)
"Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and then turn and tear you to pieces." Matthew 7:6

"For his invisible attributes, namely, his eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly perceived, ever since the creation of the world, in the things that have been made. So they are without excuse." Romans 1:20

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Re: I need help. (female problems.)

#3

Post by Dallas » Thu Feb 23, 2012 10:22 am

Reactionary wrote: OK, now a few of my questions.
I assume you haven't talked to her yet. Have you ever made eye contact?
Does she know who you are?
Where did you notice her, and what are the common places you visit?
How often do you see her?
How old is she? Older/younger?

Write. 8)
1. We have talked, but they were short conversations about 10 minutes max :( . Eye contact is kinda inevitable.
2. Yes, but barely. Her friend and I are trying to get her to talk to me more.
3. I have her added on Facebook. And She goes to my Church. So that's where I met her.
4. Sadly twice a week. That's why i'm going to start looking for a Job, just in case :P .
5. My age. 17.
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Re: I need help. (female problems.)

#4

Post by Reactionary » Thu Feb 23, 2012 10:32 am

Dallas wrote:1. We have talked, but they were short conversations about 10 minutes max :( . Eye contact is kinda inevitable.
2. Yes, but barely. Her friend and I are trying to get her to talk to me more.
3. I have her added on Facebook. And She goes to my Church. So that's where I met her.
OK, so she knows who you are. What I wanted to ask when I brought up eye contact is, does she give out any signals of attraction? For instance, does she smile to you in a manner that she usually doesn't? Does it seem like she enjoys having conversations with you?
Dallas wrote:4. Sadly twice a week. That's why i'm going to start looking for a Job, just in case :P .
5. My age. 17.
She already knows you, you don't need excuses to get to her. Girls like it when a guy is direct and decisive. Ask her out.
"Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and then turn and tear you to pieces." Matthew 7:6

"For his invisible attributes, namely, his eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly perceived, ever since the creation of the world, in the things that have been made. So they are without excuse." Romans 1:20

--Reactionary

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Re: I need help. (female problems.)

#5

Post by Dallas » Thu Feb 23, 2012 10:36 am

Reactionary wrote:
Dallas wrote:4. Sadly twice a week. That's why i'm going to start looking for a Job, just in case :P .
5. My age. 17.
She already knows you, you don't need excuses to get to her. Girls like it when a guy is direct and decisive. Ask her out.
No way buddy. It's too soon for her. :P . I'm just waiting on the right time. I want to take my time to get to know her, then i'll try to do something. The most important thing for me right now is praying about it. Lord willing, she's the one for me. <3
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Re: I need help. (female problems.)

#6

Post by zoegirl » Thu Feb 23, 2012 10:40 am

I would think one of the best ways to gt to know each other would be to create some non-threatening group activities (hiking, game nights, movie nights, etc) that allow you to interact in a manner that will help you to get to know her and for her to get to know you.

IN my singles groups at churches, those were often the best ways to get to know people :-)
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Re: I need help. (female problems.)

#7

Post by Reactionary » Thu Feb 23, 2012 10:43 am

Dallas wrote:No way buddy. It's too soon for her. :P . I'm just waiting on the right time. I want to take my time to get to know her, then i'll try to do something. The most important thing for me right now is praying about it. Lord willing, she's the one for me. <3
How do you know it's too soon for her? You don't need to start a relationship immediately, but you should let her know that you're attracted to her, and not that you see her as a female friend. If she assumes the latter, and starts considering you just a friend, it will be hard to change anything.

By the way, you haven't replied to this:
Reactionary wrote:Does she give out any signals of attraction? For instance, does she smile to you in a manner that she usually doesn't? Does it seem like she enjoys having conversations with you?
"Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and then turn and tear you to pieces." Matthew 7:6

"For his invisible attributes, namely, his eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly perceived, ever since the creation of the world, in the things that have been made. So they are without excuse." Romans 1:20

--Reactionary

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Re: I need help. (female problems.)

#8

Post by Dallas » Thu Feb 23, 2012 10:44 am

zoegirl wrote:I would think one of the best ways to gt to know each other would be to create some non-threatening group activities (hiking, game nights, movie nights, etc) that allow you to interact in a manner that will help you to get to know her and for her to get to know you.

IN my singles groups at churches, those were often the best ways to get to know people :-)
Our Church is doing a few things that i'm going to try. Not just for her, but for other reasons. We have a college trip coming up here in a month or two, a missions trip to Boston, and a basketball tournament during March. So I have some room. But time is limited, we are both seniors in High school.
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Re: I need help. (female problems.)

#9

Post by Dallas » Thu Feb 23, 2012 10:47 am

Reactionary wrote: How do you know it's too soon for her? You don't need to start a relationship immediately, but you should let her know that you're attracted to her, and not that you see her as a female friend. If she assumes the latter, and starts considering you just a friend, it will be hard to change anything.

By the way, you haven't replied to this:
Reactionary wrote:Does she give out any signals of attraction? For instance, does she smile to you in a manner that she usually doesn't? Does it seem like she enjoys having conversations with you?
I don't know. We barely talk. I'm trying to talk to her more, it's just harder than it looks. That is for the eye contact. And for the attracted part, I think she might have a clue, due to me posting on her wall a little too much :( . Bad moves by me.
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Re: I need help. (female problems.)

#10

Post by Reactionary » Thu Feb 23, 2012 1:40 pm

Dallas wrote:
Reactionary wrote:Does she give out any signals of attraction? For instance, does she smile to you in a manner that she usually doesn't? Does it seem like she enjoys having conversations with you?
I don't know. We barely talk. I'm trying to talk to her more, it's just harder than it looks. That is for the eye contact. And for the attracted part, I think she might have a clue, due to me posting on her wall a little too much :( . Bad moves by me.
That's not necessarily bad, but it's time for you to act. It's been enough of trying to run into opportunities to talk to her. Tell her, directly, that you enjoy her company and that you'd like to spend some time with her. Ask her out, for a drink or whatever youngsters in your community usually do in such situations. Ask questions and show genuine interest in her answers. Remember them, it could turn out to be useful later on. Give her genuine compliments, not previously made-up, but spontaneous and sincere. That's for a start.

You've likely reached the point when you've got nothing to lose. Sometimes you need to step out of your comfort zone in order to get what (in this case, who) you want. You're young though, I remember I wasn't much different when I was 17. So a bit of insecurity is permissible. But if you make a move, she will appreciate you for doing that, even if she rejects you. If you keep wavering, one day you might find her in the arms of someone else, and then you'll be asking yourself what you had done wrong. I don't know you or her in person, so I can't tell what your odds of success are, but they are certainly greater than zero, and zero is obviously your chance of getting her if you remain in your comfort zone.

Regarding the outcome... Have you asked your crush's friend about what she thinks of you? Maybe she's waiting for you, wondering why you won't make a move. Or, maybe she has other plans. I can't know that. But you need to know that, if you get a rejection, you shouldn't feel down, instead, you should be proud of yourself for trying. Maybe you'll be sad or disappointed, but you'll be calm, because you'll know that you had done everything you could. There will be no 'What if's tormenting you, and you'll be able to move on. Next time when you approach a girl, it will be easier, and as you gain self-confidence, you'll mature into a stable young gentleman. It's normal to idolize your crush, and if she's your first, you may be thinking that you'll never feel something similar for a girl/woman. That's just a trick your mind plays on you. Don't believe it.

Finally, it's unlikely that you'll meet the woman of your life at the age of 17. Even if you start a relationship, you may break up in the future as problems arise. If things start as rosy, they won't necessarily continue in that manner. So my advice is - give it a try, if it works out - perfect, if it doesn't - you've learned a lesson in your life, and next time it will be easier. Either is better than doing nothing. Think about it, and of course, keep us updated. Good luck, dear Western colleague. 8)
"Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and then turn and tear you to pieces." Matthew 7:6

"For his invisible attributes, namely, his eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly perceived, ever since the creation of the world, in the things that have been made. So they are without excuse." Romans 1:20

--Reactionary

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Re: I need help. (female problems.)

#11

Post by Dallas » Fri Feb 24, 2012 10:19 am

Reactionary wrote: That's not necessarily bad, but it's time for you to act. It's been enough of trying to run into opportunities to talk to her. Tell her, directly, that you enjoy her company and that you'd like to spend some time with her. Ask her out, for a drink or whatever youngsters in your community usually do in such situations. Ask questions and show genuine interest in her answers. Remember them, it could turn out to be useful later on. Give her genuine compliments, not previously made-up, but spontaneous and sincere. That's for a start.

You've likely reached the point when you've got nothing to lose. Sometimes you need to step out of your comfort zone in order to get what (in this case, who) you want. You're young though, I remember I wasn't much different when I was 17. So a bit of insecurity is permissible. But if you make a move, she will appreciate you for doing that, even if she rejects you. If you keep wavering, one day you might find her in the arms of someone else, and then you'll be asking yourself what you had done wrong. I don't know you or her in person, so I can't tell what your odds of success are, but they are certainly greater than zero, and zero is obviously your chance of getting her if you remain in your comfort zone.

Regarding the outcome... Have you asked your crush's friend about what she thinks of you? Maybe she's waiting for you, wondering why you won't make a move. Or, maybe she has other plans. I can't know that. But you need to know that, if you get a rejection, you shouldn't feel down, instead, you should be proud of yourself for trying. Maybe you'll be sad or disappointed, but you'll be calm, because you'll know that you had done everything you could. There will be no 'What if's tormenting you, and you'll be able to move on. Next time when you approach a girl, it will be easier, and as you gain self-confidence, you'll mature into a stable young gentleman. It's normal to idolize your crush, and if she's your first, you may be thinking that you'll never feel something similar for a girl/woman. That's just a trick your mind plays on you. Don't believe it.

Finally, it's unlikely that you'll meet the woman of your life at the age of 17. Even if you start a relationship, you may break up in the future as problems arise. If things start as rosy, they won't necessarily continue in that manner. So my advice is - give it a try, if it works out - perfect, if it doesn't - you've learned a lesson in your life, and next time it will be easier. Either is better than doing nothing. Think about it, and of course, keep us updated. Good luck, dear Western colleague. 8)
I don't want to date her to date her. I want to date her to have her. I want her for reasons that make me upset. I don't want to get into. I've been praying about her and I being together. I want it to be Gods will though. Have I asked her Friend? NO, I was going to, but she responded when I fell asleep so that didn't help me :P . I think when I go to Church on sunday, I'm going to approach her. With her friend of course.
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Re: I need help. (female problems.)

#12

Post by Reactionary » Fri Feb 24, 2012 10:43 am

Dallas wrote:I don't want to date her to date her. I want to date her to have her. I want her for reasons that make me upset. I don't want to get into.
Of course you want to have her. I only implied that your attempt may fail, in which case you'll have to go on and look for another girl. Plus, you don't know what a relationship with her, if you succeed, will look like. Maybe you'll stop liking her when you find out more about her, or if some other problems arise. I'm just telling you not to idealize at this point.
Dallas wrote:I've been praying about her and I being together. I want it to be Gods will though.
Sure. At this point however, you can't know if you're meant to be with her.
Dallas wrote:Have I asked her Friend? NO, I was going to, but she responded when I fell asleep so that didn't help me :P . I think when I go to Church on sunday, I'm going to approach her. With her friend of course.
Definitely do that. But forget her friend. You're a young man, you should do such things by yourself. Asking someone out is, IMO, a private issue. Good luck, and keep us updated.
"Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and then turn and tear you to pieces." Matthew 7:6

"For his invisible attributes, namely, his eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly perceived, ever since the creation of the world, in the things that have been made. So they are without excuse." Romans 1:20

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Re: I need help. (female problems.)

#13

Post by Dallas » Fri Feb 24, 2012 10:49 am

Reactionary wrote: Definitely do that. But forget her friend. You're a young man, you should do such things by yourself. Asking someone out is, IMO, a private issue. Good luck, and keep us updated.
I plan on it, If everything goes according to plan (which it will not :P) I plan to ask her to prom. Nonetheless, I'm just anxious to find out. <3 Love is in the air
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Re: I need help. (female problems.)

#14

Post by jestes » Sun Feb 26, 2012 11:25 am

The best advice I know how to give is this, and I'm going to preach on #3:

1. God has someone in mind for you. DON'T stress over if she's the answer to that prayer. If she is, it will happen. If she's not, from experience I can say, "you don't want it to." I'm 25. Been there.......

2. When you find yourself asking, "Am I attractive enough for the girl of my dreams to like me?" Remind yourself: you already are.

3. Remember that God created you as the man. Meaning, you are to act like a man. I'm not talking about all that crap about acting like a jerk. TONS of guys think that's the way to act. There is a MAJOR difference between acting like a man and acting like a jerk. 'Boys' act like jerks because they haven't grown up yet, and 'girls' are attracted to that for the same reason. The more mature those girls get, the more they realize they want a 'man' and not a jerk. How I think a man should act:

A: Be a leader: I don't mean be pushy, uncompromising, or overly assertive. I mean make the decisions on where to go for a date, don't wait for her to talk to you or for her friend to get you two to talk more. Make the move and show her you know how to be a potential husband and a leader of a family. Once again, make the move.

B: Be honest: If she asks for an opinion, or someone else does, give your honest answer. Don't be afraid to rock the boat a little if you disagree. You can be honest without being disrespectful, but people will respect you more if you don't seem soft or wishy washy.

C: Be levelheaded: Don't be overly harsh/critical while ignoring something else. For example, don't get irritated about someone being a bad driver and then turn around and drive the same way.... OR, if she/anyone does something really disrespectful, don't fire back and go into an eye for an eye spiral. You can be confident and stand up for yourself without seeking to even things out. Being the bigger man is though, but it does pay off.

D: Be confident: God made you the way he did for a certain purpose. You have skills, talents, experiences, and so forth that make you a unique product with a unique purpose. Don't get threatened over things, but constantly look for ways to become better. Along these lines, don't EVER get jealous over her talking to someone else or them talking to her. Remember, he will give you everything and everyone you need. See #1 above.

4: BE YOURSELF. If she doesn't like you for who you are, see #1.

5: Pray that God will mold you into exactly the kind of man you are supposed to be, whoever that man is supposed to be married to.

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Re: I need help. (female problems.)

#15

Post by Dallas » Mon Feb 27, 2012 5:49 am

jestes wrote:The best advice I know how to give is this, and I'm going to preach on #3:

1. God has someone in mind for you. DON'T stress over if she's the answer to that prayer. If she is, it will happen. If she's not, from experience I can say, "you don't want it to." I'm 25. Been there.......

2. When you find yourself asking, "Am I attractive enough for the girl of my dreams to like me?" Remind yourself: you already are.

3. Remember that God created you as the man. Meaning, you are to act like a man. I'm not talking about all that crap about acting like a jerk. TONS of guys think that's the way to act. There is a MAJOR difference between acting like a man and acting like a jerk. 'Boys' act like jerks because they haven't grown up yet, and 'girls' are attracted to that for the same reason. The more mature those girls get, the more they realize they want a 'man' and not a jerk. How I think a man should act:

A: Be a leader: I don't mean be pushy, uncompromising, or overly assertive. I mean make the decisions on where to go for a date, don't wait for her to talk to you or for her friend to get you two to talk more. Make the move and show her you know how to be a potential husband and a leader of a family. Once again, make the move.

B: Be honest: If she asks for an opinion, or someone else does, give your honest answer. Don't be afraid to rock the boat a little if you disagree. You can be honest without being disrespectful, but people will respect you more if you don't seem soft or wishy washy.

C: Be levelheaded: Don't be overly harsh/critical while ignoring something else. For example, don't get irritated about someone being a bad driver and then turn around and drive the same way.... OR, if she/anyone does something really disrespectful, don't fire back and go into an eye for an eye spiral. You can be confident and stand up for yourself without seeking to even things out. Being the bigger man is though, but it does pay off.

D: Be confident: God made you the way he did for a certain purpose. You have skills, talents, experiences, and so forth that make you a unique product with a unique purpose. Don't get threatened over things, but constantly look for ways to become better. Along these lines, don't EVER get jealous over her talking to someone else or them talking to her. Remember, he will give you everything and everyone you need. See #1 above.

4: BE YOURSELF. If she doesn't like you for who you are, see #1.

5: Pray that God will mold you into exactly the kind of man you are supposed to be, whoever that man is supposed to be married to.
Thank you. Here's a little about me to determine if I meet those qualities.

I'm very passive (working on that). I usually just let people push me around, without any sort of movement after it. This I will not allow to get pushed around in. :P. I am very kin to pray for the things I want in a woman. I'm very specific when I pray about it. It turns out, from what I know about her as of yet, she meets those requirements. <3 . I do not have that high of a voice. For example: I talk loud enough to were "I" can hear it and not other people. It's quite annoying to repeat myself over and over. Trying to fix that. I'm kinda emotional about things. Almost woman like :(. Don't know if that needs fixed or not, you tell me? From what i'm told, I'm intelligent, I don't believe it. It's all stuff you learn in school. I'm a God Fearing man/boy. I wasn't that long ago, but i'm changing little by little. And it helps :P.
Soooo.... How am I? What should I improve on or work on. I'm assuming you are all Men. Help this boy out.
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