Goldstein Nail Company

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Fliegender
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Re: Goldstein Nail Company

#46

Post by Fliegender » Tue May 05, 2020 5:55 pm

Rick Goldstein dies. His wife phones the local newspaper and says, “Hello, I’d like to publish an obituary.”
“I’m sorry for your loss” says the clerk, “what would you like the obituary notice to say?”
Mrs Goldstein answers, “Rick D. Goldstein is dead” ...and there’s silence on the phone.
The clerk asks, “Is that all?” “Yes” answers Mrs. Goldstein “and how much does that cost?”
“The minimum cost is $40 for 4 lines of text. We can’t go lower than that” says the clerk.
Mrs Goldstein thinks for a moment and says, “in that case, write ‘Rick D. Goldstein is dead. Ford Mustang for sale. Low mileage. Well cared for. Price negotiable.”
"I never said that all conservatives are stupid people but it is true that most stupid people are conservative."
-John Stewart Mill

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RickD
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Re: Goldstein Nail Company

#47

Post by RickD » Tue May 05, 2020 6:09 pm

:pound:
John 5:24
24 “Truly, truly, I say to you, he who hears My word, and believes Him who sent Me, has eternal life, and does not come into judgment, but has passed out of death into life.

Kenny wrote:
"You don’t need faith, logic, reason, proof, or anything else to be atheist, all you need to do is reject what someone told you."



St. Richard the Sarcastic--The Patron Saint of Irony

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Re: Goldstein Nail Company

#48

Post by Fliegender » Thu May 07, 2020 4:51 pm

Gloria Finklestein and her teen daughter have an appointment with their physician. Mrs Finklestein tells the doctor, “My daughter has nausea in the mornings and her tummy is getting bigger and bigger. I’m worried that she has a tumor!”

The doctor examines the teen and tells her mother, “Congratulations Mrs Finklestein! Your daughter is pregnant. You are going to be a grandmother!”

“That’s impossible” says the mother, “my daughter is only 13 and she has never been with a man!” Mrs Finklestein turns to her daughter and says, “You’ve never been with a man, right?”

“No mother” answers the daughter, “far be it from me to have been with a man!”

“You see Doctor?! My daughter cannot be pregnant! It’s absolutely impossible!”

At this, the doctor goes to the window, opens it and intently looks at the sky, then at the street below. The doctor stays at the window looking out and doesn’t say a word. After a couple of minutes go by, Mrs Finklestein asks the doctor what he’s doing at the window. The doctor answers...

“...The last time a Jewish virgin was pregnant a brilliant star appeared in the sky and 3 Magi came from the East. This is a show I don’t want to miss!”
"I never said that all conservatives are stupid people but it is true that most stupid people are conservative."
-John Stewart Mill

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Re: Goldstein Nail Company

#49

Post by Fliegender » Tue May 12, 2020 10:11 am

Rick Goldstein goes to the doctor to get his wife’s test results. The receptionist says to Rick, “I’m sorry but your wife’s results were mixed up with those of another Mrs Goldstein and there’s no way to tell which is which. Your wife has either Alzheimer’s or gingivitis...we can’t be sure.”

Rick thinks for a moment and asks, “Could you do the tests over again?”

“We can’t do that,” says the receptionist “because your health insurance won’t pay for a second set of tests.”

“What do you suggest I do?” asks Rick.

“Well,” the receptionist says, “drive your wife to the middle of Jacksonville and abandon her there. If she finds her way back home, don’t use her toothbrush.”
"I never said that all conservatives are stupid people but it is true that most stupid people are conservative."
-John Stewart Mill

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Re: Goldstein Nail Company

#50

Post by Fliegender » Sat May 16, 2020 6:27 am

Rebecca is leaving synagogue after services when she notices a distinguished-looking young man. She goes to him and introduces herself.

“Hello, I’m Rebecca Shapiro. I have been coming to this synagogue for 30 years and we’ve never seen you. Are you new in town?”

The young man answers, “Pleased to meet you! I’m Rick Goldstein. I’m originally from Boston but I’ve been hired by Levinson, Steinberg, Finklestein, Barristers and Solicitors here in town.

“Congratulations!” answers Rebecca, “you must come to our home and meet my daughter Naomi. She’s very pretty, is an excellent cook and loves children. She isn’t married so she’s always at home...come by any time!”

“I’m flattered Mrs. Shapiro,” Rick answers, “but I must tell you that I’m gay.”

“Oh, my...” says Rebecca “...then you must come by to meet my son David!”
"I never said that all conservatives are stupid people but it is true that most stupid people are conservative."
-John Stewart Mill

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Re: Goldstein Nail Company

#51

Post by Fliegender » Sat May 16, 2020 8:09 pm

Rick D. Goldstein goes to see his rabbi.

“Rabbi,” says Rick, “a friend asked me to see you about a rather delicate problem he has...”

“Excuse me, Rick” interrupts the rabbi “but why doesn’t your friend come to see me himself?”

“Well, rabbi, my friend’s problem is rather embarrassing...”

“I see” says the rabbi, “your friend just has to say he’s seeing me for a friend.”
"I never said that all conservatives are stupid people but it is true that most stupid people are conservative."
-John Stewart Mill

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Re: Goldstein Nail Company

#52

Post by Fliegender » Mon May 18, 2020 7:29 pm

An imam, a pastor and a rabbi are asked, “What would you like people to say at your funeral.

The imam answers, “I would like people to say that I always put the community’s needs before my own”

The pastor answers, “I would like people to say that I always lived Christ’s message of forgiveness towards others.”

The rabbi answers, “I would like people to say, ‘Look! He’s moving!’”
"I never said that all conservatives are stupid people but it is true that most stupid people are conservative."
-John Stewart Mill

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Re: Goldstein Nail Company

#53

Post by RickD » Mon May 25, 2020 7:44 am

A priest, a rabbit, and a minister walk into a bar.

The bartender says to the rabbit, “What’ll you have to drink?”

The rabbit replies, “I don’t know. I’m only here because of auto-correct.”
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Fliegender (Mon May 25, 2020 6:37 pm)
John 5:24
24 “Truly, truly, I say to you, he who hears My word, and believes Him who sent Me, has eternal life, and does not come into judgment, but has passed out of death into life.

Kenny wrote:
"You don’t need faith, logic, reason, proof, or anything else to be atheist, all you need to do is reject what someone told you."



St. Richard the Sarcastic--The Patron Saint of Irony

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Fliegender
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Re: Goldstein Nail Company

#54

Post by Fliegender » Mon May 25, 2020 6:46 pm

Rabbi Rick is seated next to a priest on a long flight. The stewardess comes by and asks “Would you gentlemen like some refreshments?”

Rabbi Rick asks for a gin & tonic but the priest says nothing. So the rabbi says, “Wouldn’t you like a little something to unwind, padre?”

The priest exclaims, “I’m a man of God! I don’t drink and I don’t have sex!”

At this rabbi Rick calls back the stewardess and says, “Excuse me...but I didn’t know we had a choice :)
"I never said that all conservatives are stupid people but it is true that most stupid people are conservative."
-John Stewart Mill

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Fliegender
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Re: Goldstein Nail Company

#55

Post by Fliegender » Wed May 27, 2020 7:24 pm

Rick Goldstein goes to his rabbi and says, “Rabbi, we’ve got to help this poor old woman. She can’t pay her rent and she’ll be thrown out of her apartment tomorrow if she doesn’t come up with the money!”

“That’s terrible,” says the rabbi. He gives Rick $500 from the petty cash and says, “This should be enough to delay her eviction. I’ll take the matter up with the Council and we’ll find a solution to her dilemma.” The rabbi adds, “And who are you in relation to this poor woman?”

Rick answers, “I’m her landlord.”
"I never said that all conservatives are stupid people but it is true that most stupid people are conservative."
-John Stewart Mill

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Re: Goldstein Nail Company

#56

Post by RickD » Wed May 27, 2020 8:28 pm

Hare Hindu, Roger Rabbi, and a Jehovah's Witness are lost..

They wander across a farmstead and ask to spend the night.

"I only have room for two, so one of you will have to stay in the barn," says the Farm Owner.

Hare Hindu immediately volunteers, insisting it's no problem. However, a few minutes later, he knocks on the front door.

"I'm sorry, but there is a cow in the barn, and they are sacred to me."

"No problem," says Roger Rabbi, and he goes to the barn. Again though, he returns and knocks. "There is also a pig in there, and that is against our teachings."

"I will go then, friends," says the Jehovah's Witness, and he proceeds to the barn. A few moments later, there is a knock at the door. It's the cow and the pig.
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Fliegender (Thu May 28, 2020 5:47 am)
John 5:24
24 “Truly, truly, I say to you, he who hears My word, and believes Him who sent Me, has eternal life, and does not come into judgment, but has passed out of death into life.

Kenny wrote:
"You don’t need faith, logic, reason, proof, or anything else to be atheist, all you need to do is reject what someone told you."



St. Richard the Sarcastic--The Patron Saint of Irony

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Fliegender
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Re: Goldstein Nail Company

#57

Post by Fliegender » Fri May 29, 2020 5:08 pm

Rick Goldstein enlists in the Israel Air Force. On his first parachute jump from the airplane, the instructor tells Rick, “after you jump, count to ten and pull the ripcord. If the parachute doesn’t open - which is very rare - pull your emergency ‘chute’s ripcord. Once you’re on the ground, the Jeep will come to get you.”

So Rick jumps, counts to ten and pulls the ripcord. The parachute doesn’t open. Rick pulls the emergency ‘chute’s ripcord...and it doesn’t open as well.

“Great,” says Rick as he’s hurtling towards the earth, “...with my luck the Jeep won’t be there either.”
"I never said that all conservatives are stupid people but it is true that most stupid people are conservative."
-John Stewart Mill

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Re: Goldstein Nail Company

#58

Post by Fliegender » Sun Jun 07, 2020 6:37 am

An old Palestinian living in Hebron wants to plant a garden in his yard. He calls his grandson who is in an Israeli prison and says, “I would like to plant some tomatoes in my yard but I’m too old to plow the ground!”

The grandson says, “Whatever you do, DON’T plow your yard! I buried weapons, ammunition and bombs in your yard! If you plow it, you could blow up!”

An hour later, the Israel Army arrives at the old man’s house and completely dig up his back yard. They find nothing...no weapons, no bombs...nothing.

The grandson calls his grandfather and says, “Okay, now you can plant your tomatoes.”
"I never said that all conservatives are stupid people but it is true that most stupid people are conservative."
-John Stewart Mill

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Re: Goldstein Nail Company

#59

Post by Fliegender » Fri Jun 12, 2020 5:28 pm

Rick D. Goldstein graduates from Harvard Business School and decides to spend a year in Paris before starting his career. On his return to the USA, he goes to visit his mother.

“Rick!” she squeals, “why are you not wearing a kippa?!”

“Aw, mother, no one wears a kippa in Paris!”

“And Rick...where are your side locks?”

“Aw, mother, no Jew has sidelocks in Paris!

“And Rick...what are these goy clothes you’re wearing?”

“Aw, mother...Paris is a fashion capital even for Jews!”

“Tell me, Rick...do you still observe Shabbat?”

“Aw, mother...no one observes Shabbat in Paris.”

“Tell me, Rick...do you still keep kosher?”

“Aw, mother...no one eats kosher in Paris.”

“So tell me, Rick...are you still circumcised...?

“Aw, mother... y/:]
"I never said that all conservatives are stupid people but it is true that most stupid people are conservative."
-John Stewart Mill

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Fliegender
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Re: Goldstein Nail Company

#60

Post by Fliegender » Mon Jun 22, 2020 6:28 pm

Rick D. Goldstein decides to take his Passover lunch in the park. He sits on a park bench and begins eating his matzah. After a while, a blind man comes by and sits on the bench next to Rick. The two men strike up a conversation. Things are going well so Rick offers the man a matzah. The blind man takes the matzah and begins running his fingers up and down over the cracker’s ridges. After a moment he asks Rick, “Who wrote this crap?”
"I never said that all conservatives are stupid people but it is true that most stupid people are conservative."
-John Stewart Mill

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