Goldstein Nail Company

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Re: Goldstein Nail Company

#31

Post by RickD » Mon Nov 18, 2019 6:39 pm

Fliegender wrote:
Mon Nov 18, 2019 6:23 pm
President Trump is livid. He’s just fired yet another of his advisors. Netanyahu happens to be visiting the White House so Trump asks him, “Bibi, you have a lot of success, how do you find smart men to work for you in Israel?” “Easy” replies Netanyahu, “you test them by asking a riddle. Here, I’ll show you” as he picks up the phone and calls Reuven Rivlin, the President if Israel. “Mr Rivlin, answer this riddle please: your father has a son but he’s not your brother. Who is he?” Rivlin immediately answers, “He’s me.”

“Brilliant!” exclaims Trump. He immediately calls Mike Pence and asks him, “Mike, your father has a son but he isn’t your brother. Who is he?” Pence thinks about it and says, “I’ll have to get back to you with that information, Mr President.” As much as he tries, Pence can’t answer Trump’s question so he asks Obama for help. “Mr Obama, your father has a son but he isn’t your brother. Who is he?” Obama immediately answers, “That would be me.”

Pence calls Trump and says, “The answer to your question is Barack Obama!”

Trump yells into the phone, “No you idiot, it’s Reuven Rivlin!”
So, the moral of the story is that Trump and Pence are idiots, and Obama and Netanyahu are geniuses?
John 5:24
24 “Truly, truly, I say to you, he who hears My word, and believes Him who sent Me, has eternal life, and does not come into judgment, but has passed out of death into life.

Kenny wrote:
"You don’t need faith, logic, reason, proof, or anything else to be atheist, all you need to do is reject what someone told you."



St. Richard the Sarcastic--The Patron Saint of Irony

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Re: Goldstein Nail Company

#32

Post by Fliegender » Mon Nov 18, 2019 8:37 pm

99 bottles of beer on the wall wrote:
Mon Nov 18, 2019 6:39 pm
...

So, the moral of the story is that Trump and Pence are idiots, and Obama and Netanyahu are geniuses?
Nope. It’s a joke. All that boozing in your youth has affected you.

Abandon the demons’ drink, sinner!
"I never said that all conservatives are stupid people but it is true that most stupid people are conservative."
-John Stewart Mill

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Re: Goldstein Nail Company

#33

Post by Fliegender » Thu Nov 21, 2019 6:28 pm

Rabbi Rick gets on a plane and settles into his seat. He opens a Bible and begins to read. An atheist settles into the seat next to rabbi Rick and notices the open Bible. “Would you like to chat?” asks the atheist, “I noticed that you’re reading that fairy tale book about god...” “Sure,” says rabbi Rick, “but may I ask you a question first?” “Go ahead” says the atheist.

“Listen” says the rabbi, “a deer, a cow and a horse are all herbivores...” The atheist agrees; rabbi Rick continues, “they all eat grass yet the deer excretes pellets, the cow excretes flat blobs and the horse excretes clumps. So, my dear fellow passenger, why do you think that is?” The atheist thinks it over and says, “Well.... I really don’t know.” Rabbi Rick answers, “ You want to discuss God yet you don’t know sh!t.”
"I never said that all conservatives are stupid people but it is true that most stupid people are conservative."
-John Stewart Mill

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Re: Goldstein Nail Company

#34

Post by Fliegender » Fri Nov 22, 2019 6:08 pm

A very old skeleton is discovered in a field in Israel. The pathologist examines the skeleton as declares that the individual died of a sudden and massive heart attack about 3000 years ago. A panel of archaeological experts asks the pathologist, “How can you be so sure of the cause of death, Dr Rick?” Dr Rick answers, “Easy, the subject was holding a papyrus fragment on which could be read, ‘10,000 shekels on Goliath’.”
"I never said that all conservatives are stupid people but it is true that most stupid people are conservative."
-John Stewart Mill

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Re: Goldstein Nail Company

#35

Post by Fliegender » Fri Nov 29, 2019 6:00 pm

A smart orang-outan named Rick escapes from the Tel Aviv Zoo. He’s later found at a library reading the Bible and Darwin’s Origin of Species. Rick asks the wildlife officer sent to capture him, “Are you your brother’s keeper or the keeper of your brother??”
"I never said that all conservatives are stupid people but it is true that most stupid people are conservative."
-John Stewart Mill

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Re: Goldstein Nail Company

#36

Post by Fliegender » Sun Dec 15, 2019 6:24 pm

What do you call a zoo with no dogs?







A shih tzu
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claysmithr (Mon Dec 23, 2019 7:47 pm)
"I never said that all conservatives are stupid people but it is true that most stupid people are conservative."
-John Stewart Mill

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Re: Goldstein Nail Company

#37

Post by Fliegender » Sun Feb 16, 2020 6:03 pm

Old man Moishe wins the Powerball lottery. He immediately goes to the local neo-Nazi clubhouse and says, "I would like to thank you guys for helping me win the lottery!" The Nazi punk asks Moishe, "How did we help you win, Jew swine?"

Moishe rolls back his sleeve and shows his tattoo, "You guys gave me the numbers!"
"I never said that all conservatives are stupid people but it is true that most stupid people are conservative."
-John Stewart Mill

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Re: Goldstein Nail Company

#38

Post by Fliegender » Tue Apr 07, 2020 7:02 pm

Hymie, Solomon and Moishe are sitting in synagogue, chatting before the service begins. Hymie says, "Sixty has got to be the worst age because I always feel like I gotta pee but nothing happens.”

Solomon says, “No, seventy is the worst age because you’re always constipated. I take laxatives, eat bran and can sit on the toilet all day and nothing happens...”

Moishe says nothing. The two others ask him, “What about you, Moishe? What’s it like being 80?” Moishe answers, “Eighty has got to be THE worst age...but I have no problem to pee. I pee like a racehorse every morning at 6AM. I got no problems with my bowels either. I take a good crap every morning around 6:15AM.”

“So what’s the problem?” the other men ask. Moishe says...” I don’t get outta bed until 7AM...
"I never said that all conservatives are stupid people but it is true that most stupid people are conservative."
-John Stewart Mill

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Re: Goldstein Nail Company

#39

Post by Fliegender » Thu Apr 16, 2020 7:06 pm

Ruth Cohen is a pretty 16 year-old. On her way to school one day, she decides to take a shortcut through a Hasidic neighborhood. As she’s going by a synagogue, a group of Hasidim in their black suits, black hats and prayer shawls eye her as she walks by. Ruth’s short skirt and form-fitting blouse get the men’s attention...

The next day, Ruth takes the same route through the Hasidic neighborhood. Again, the Hasidim stare at her as she walks by. One of the men calls out, “Young woman! Young woman!” Ruth turns and an Hasidim runs up to her and gives her an apple. “Why are you giving me an apple?” asks Ruth. “Because Torah teaches that when Eve ate the apple she knew she was naked” says the Hasidim. Ruth walks on and hears the men snickering behind her.

The day after, Ruth goes by the Hasidic synagogue and the men are there again. This time she brings a bag of apples and gives one to each of the men. The men ask her, “Why are you giving us these apples, young woman?” Ruth answers, “Because Torah teaches that when Adam ate the apple he knew he had to go to work and not stand around all day.”
"I never said that all conservatives are stupid people but it is true that most stupid people are conservative."
-John Stewart Mill

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Re: Goldstein Nail Company

#40

Post by Fliegender » Tue Apr 21, 2020 4:12 pm

Rick arrives in Jerusalem and goes to synagogue. Rick asks the rabbi, “Rabbi, if I go to the Wailing Wall and ask for peace between Palestinians and Israelis would that be okay?” The rabbi says, “Yes, but remember that you will be talking to
G-d!”

So Rick continues, “Rabbi, if I go to the Wailing Wall and ask for an end to hunger in the world would that be okay?” The rabbi answers, “Yes, but remember that you will be talking to G-d!”

So Rick asks again, “Rabbi, if I go to the Wailing Wall and ask for a million dollars would that be okay?” The rabbi says, “Yes, but remember you’re talking to a wall.”
"I never said that all conservatives are stupid people but it is true that most stupid people are conservative."
-John Stewart Mill

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Re: Goldstein Nail Company

#41

Post by RickD » Tue Apr 21, 2020 5:58 pm

Rick went to the wailing wall, and brought his harpoon.
John 5:24
24 “Truly, truly, I say to you, he who hears My word, and believes Him who sent Me, has eternal life, and does not come into judgment, but has passed out of death into life.

Kenny wrote:
"You don’t need faith, logic, reason, proof, or anything else to be atheist, all you need to do is reject what someone told you."



St. Richard the Sarcastic--The Patron Saint of Irony

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Re: Goldstein Nail Company

#42

Post by Fliegender » Thu Apr 23, 2020 2:06 pm

What would have happened had the Magi been 3 Jewish mothers?

1. They would have asked passers-by for directions and arrived on time.
2. They would have helped Mary give birth.
3. They would have cleaned the stable.
4. They would have brought useful gifts to the new parents.

On returning home they would have said:

1. Did you see Mary’s sandals?! They were so worn!
2. That baby didn’t look at all like Joseph!
3. Virgin? Ha! I knew her in high school...
4. I don’t think Joseph even has a job!
5. That mule they came on really isn’t fit for the road!
6. Let’s see how long it takes them to give us our Tupperwares back...
"I never said that all conservatives are stupid people but it is true that most stupid people are conservative."
-John Stewart Mill

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Re: Goldstein Nail Company

#43

Post by Fliegender » Sat Apr 25, 2020 1:25 pm

Rabbi Rick is cleaning his synagogue office when he discovers a shoebox hidden among the books on a shelf. He takes the shoebox out just as his wife says, “Don’t open that! It’s personal!” So Rick sheepishly puts the shoebox back.

The next day rabbi Rick’s wife leaves for the hairdressers. Rick is overcome with curiosity so he takes the shoebox and opens it. Inside he finds 3 eggs and $2000 in one dollar bills. When his wife returns, Rick tells his wife that he was overcome with curiosity and opened the shoebox. “What are the three eggs about?” he asks. “Whenever you preached a boring sermon, I put an egg in the box” answers the wife. Rick is pleased, “Only 3 boring sermons in 20 years! Wow!...and what about the $2000?” The wife answers, “When I collected a dozen eggs I sold them for a dollar”.
"I never said that all conservatives are stupid people but it is true that most stupid people are conservative."
-John Stewart Mill

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Re: Goldstein Nail Company

#44

Post by Fliegender » Tue Apr 28, 2020 1:38 pm

Rick is wandering around Jerusalem looking for a job but nobody wants to hire him. So he goes to see the chief rabbi at the Sanhedrin and tells him his plight. The chief rabbi feels sorry for Rick and offers him a job. “The job is simple” says the rabbi, “you just stand guard at the Sanhedrin and when Jesus returns you let us know.”

“Yeah...that’s a job I can do” says Rick. “Is the pay good?” he asks the chief rabbi.

“No” says the rabbi. “..but the job security is forever!”
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claysmithr (Sun May 03, 2020 1:21 pm)
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-John Stewart Mill

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Re: Goldstein Nail Company

#45

Post by Fliegender » Mon May 04, 2020 7:24 am

Rabbi Silverstein is dismayed to see so many men attending synagogue without a yarmulke. He decides to put up a sign at the entrance to the synagogue:

Attending synagogue without a head covering is a SIN as grave as fornication!

Rick sees the sign and scribbles on it:

not true. I’ve tried both and there’s no comparison
"I never said that all conservatives are stupid people but it is true that most stupid people are conservative."
-John Stewart Mill

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