Jokes about Religion and Atheism

Got some good and clean jokes to share? Everyone likes a laugh.
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skakos
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Jokes about Religion and Atheism

Postby skakos » Thu Oct 04, 2012 3:19 am

Image

I have managed to collect some clean good jokes about atheism and religion at http://harmonia-philosophica.blogspot.com/2012/01/jokes-about-religion-and-atheism.html (also posted in the other Harmonia Philosophica portal http://harmoniaphilosophica.wordpress.com/2011/05/22/jokes-about-religion-and-atheism-2jszrulazj6wq-66/).

I would very much like you to see them...

Will try to keep it updated as much as I have time to do so... 8)

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RickD
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Re: Jokes about Religion and Atheism

Postby RickD » Thu Oct 04, 2012 6:15 am

Sorry skakos. That link you posted had a "hack job" version of the best religious joke ever. Here's the real joke, written by one of the best comedians of all time, Emo Philips:
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"
He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"
Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
1 Corinthians 1:9
9 God is faithful, through whom you were called into fellowship with His Son, Jesus Christ our Lord.

Audie wrote:
"Christianity is not a joke, but it has some very poor representatives."


St. Richard the Sarcastic--The Patron Saint of Irony

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RickD
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Re: Jokes about Religion and Atheism

Postby RickD » Thu Oct 04, 2012 6:20 am

More Emo Philips religious jokes:
· When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised, the Lord doesn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked Him to forgive me ... and I got it!
· So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon."
· A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ..."
· I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.
· When I was a kid my dad would say, "Emo, do you believe in the Lord?" I'd say, "Yes!" He'd say, "Then stand up and shout Hallelujah!" So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster
1 Corinthians 1:9
9 God is faithful, through whom you were called into fellowship with His Son, Jesus Christ our Lord.

Audie wrote:
"Christianity is not a joke, but it has some very poor representatives."


St. Richard the Sarcastic--The Patron Saint of Irony

PaulSacramento
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Re: Jokes about Religion and Atheism

Postby PaulSacramento » Thu Oct 04, 2012 10:41 am

Taoism - [poop] happens.
Buddhism - If [poop] happens, it’s not really [poop].
Islam - If [poop] happens, it’s the will of Allah.
Protestantism - [poop] happens because you don’t work hard enough.
Judaism - Why does this [poop] always happen to us?
Hinduism - This [poop] happened before.
Catholicism - [poop] happens because you’re bad.
Hare Krishna - [poop] happens rama rama.
T.V. Evangelism - Send more [poop].
Atheism - No [poop].
Jehova’s Witness - Knock knock, [poop] happens.
Hedonism - There’s nothing like a good [poop] happening.
Christian Science - [poop] happens in your mind.
Agnosticism - Maybe [poop] happens, maybe it doesn’t.
Rastafarianism - Let’s smoke this [poop].
Existentialism - What is [poop] anyway?
Stoicism - This [poop] doesn’t bother me.

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Stygian
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Re: Jokes about Religion and Atheism

Postby Stygian » Sat Oct 06, 2012 3:35 pm

Atheist Epitaph: "All dressed up, with nowhere to go."

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jlay
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Re: Jokes about Religion and Atheism

Postby jlay » Sun Oct 07, 2012 1:36 pm

PaulSacramento wrote:Taoism - [poop] happens.
Buddhism - If [poop] happens, it’s not really [poop].
Islam - If [poop] happens, it’s the will of Allah.
Protestantism - [poop] happens because you don’t work hard enough.
Judaism - Why does this [poop] always happen to us?
Hinduism - This [poop] happened before.
Catholicism - [poop] happens because you’re bad.
Hare Krishna - [poop] happens rama rama.
T.V. Evangelism - Send more [poop].
Atheism - No [poop].
Jehova’s Witness - Knock knock, [poop] happens.
Hedonism - There’s nothing like a good [poop] happening.
Christian Science - [poop] happens in your mind.
Agnosticism - Maybe [poop] happens, maybe it doesn’t.
Rastafarianism - Let’s smoke this [poop].
Existentialism - What is [poop] anyway?
Stoicism - This [poop] doesn’t bother me.



That's some funny [poop] right there.
-“The Bible treated allegorically becomes putty in the hands of the exegete.” John Walvoord

"I'm not saying scientists don't overstate their results. They do. And it's understandable, too...If you spend years working toward a certain goal and make no progress, of course you are going to spin your results in a positive light." Ivellious

Proinsias
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Re: Jokes about Religion and Atheism

Postby Proinsias » Tue Nov 13, 2012 2:53 am

How does Moses make tea?

Hebrews it!

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Re: Jokes about Religion and Atheism

Postby RickD » Tue Nov 13, 2012 8:09 am

Proinsias wrote:How does Moses make tea?

Hebrews it!

y#-o

Q: What does a teabag do when it's tired?

A: It seeps. :mrgreen:

Ok, here's a religious joke:
A number of new inscribed tablets were found in Iraq following the invasion, and recently some of these have been translated and found to be missing sections from the creation story in the Book of Genesis. This is one excerpt from the new chapters...

Adam was walking around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him, "What is wrong with you?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.

He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

The rest is history..
1 Corinthians 1:9
9 God is faithful, through whom you were called into fellowship with His Son, Jesus Christ our Lord.

Audie wrote:
"Christianity is not a joke, but it has some very poor representatives."


St. Richard the Sarcastic--The Patron Saint of Irony

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Furstentum Liechtenstein
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Re: Jokes about Religion and Atheism

Postby Furstentum Liechtenstein » Tue Nov 13, 2012 7:38 pm

My wife asked me, ''Does this dress make me look fat?'' ''No,'' I answered, ''it's all your lunches at McDonald's that do that.''


FL :tomato:
Hold everything lightly. If you don't, it will hurt when God pries your fingers loose as He takes it from you. -Corrie Ten Boom

+ + +

If they had a social gospel in the days of the prodigal son, somebody would have given him a bed and a sandwich and he never would have gone home.

+ + +

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Re: Jokes about Religion and Atheism

Postby Byblos » Wed Nov 14, 2012 6:10 am

Furstentum Liechtenstein wrote:My wife asked me, ''Does this dress make me look fat?'' ''No,'' I answered, ''it's all your lunches at McDonald's that do that.''


FL :tomato:


R.I.P. FL, you will be sorely missed. y[-o<
Let us proclaim the mystery of our faith: Christ has died, Christ is risen, Christ will come again.

Lord I am not worthy that you should enter under my roof, but only say the word and my soul shall be healed.

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Re: Jokes about Religion and Atheism

Postby Sam1995 » Wed Nov 14, 2012 9:19 am

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.

Then God created Man and rested.

Then God created Woman.

Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.



Don't hurt me for that one! y[-o< y>:D<

SB 8-}2
"There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind." - C.S Lewis

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skakos
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Re: Jokes about Religion and Atheism

Postby skakos » Sat Nov 24, 2012 8:38 am

:)

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Re: Jokes about Religion and Atheism

Postby TraceGranberry » Mon Dec 05, 2016 12:54 am

I think that we should not talk in such a way about religion and atheism. The subject of conflict relationship between religion and science is controversial: Image 

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Nessa
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Re: Jokes about Religion and Atheism

Postby Nessa » Mon Dec 05, 2016 2:37 am

Furstentum Liechtenstein wrote:My wife asked me, ''Does this dress make me look fat?'' ''No,'' I answered, ''it's all your lunches at McDonald's that do that.''


FL :tomato:

Thats a looooooooong walk to Maccas from where you are...

:P

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Re: Jokes about Religion and Atheism

Postby Nessa » Mon Dec 05, 2016 2:42 am

Byblos wrote:
Furstentum Liechtenstein wrote:My wife asked me, ''Does this dress make me look fat?'' ''No,'' I answered, ''it's all your lunches at McDonald's that do that.''


FL :tomato:


R.I.P. FL, you will be sorely missed. y[-o<

He hasn't been on here since January...

I guess his wife finally saw the joke :lol:


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