Goldstein Nail Company

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RickD
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Re: Goldstein Nail Company

#16

Post by RickD » Tue Nov 05, 2019 7:46 pm

One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most gorgeous blond Chinese girl... I sat beside her. I said, "Hi," and she said, "Hi," and then I said, "Nice day, isn't it?," and she said, "I saw my analyst today and he says I have a problem." So I asked, "What's the problem?" She replied, "I can't tell you. I don't even know you..." I said, "Well sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect stranger on a bus." So she said, "Well, my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish cowboys... by the way, my name is Denise." I said, "Hello, Denise. My name is Bucky Goldstein..."
John 5:24
24 “Truly, truly, I say to you, he who hears My word, and believes Him who sent Me, has eternal life, and does not come into judgment, but has passed out of death into life.

Kenny wrote:
"You don’t need faith, logic, reason, proof, or anything else to be atheist, all you need to do is reject what someone told you."



St. Richard the Sarcastic--The Patron Saint of Irony

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Philip
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Re: Goldstein Nail Company

#17

Post by Philip » Wed Nov 06, 2019 6:45 am

Hey, try that joke out on your wife, Rick - bet she'll love it! :P

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Re: Goldstein Nail Company

#18

Post by RickD » Wed Nov 06, 2019 7:27 am

Philip wrote:
Wed Nov 06, 2019 6:45 am
Hey, try that joke out on your wife, Rick - bet she'll love it! :P
I did tell her the joke.

She asked me to wear my @$$less chaps, and a yarmulke.
John 5:24
24 “Truly, truly, I say to you, he who hears My word, and believes Him who sent Me, has eternal life, and does not come into judgment, but has passed out of death into life.

Kenny wrote:
"You don’t need faith, logic, reason, proof, or anything else to be atheist, all you need to do is reject what someone told you."



St. Richard the Sarcastic--The Patron Saint of Irony

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Re: Goldstein Nail Company

#19

Post by Fliegender » Wed Nov 06, 2019 4:14 pm

Rick is a rich businessman, personable in every respect but not given to religion at all. One day, Rick is driving his Rolls in Jacksonville looking for a parking spot. He keeps driving around and around yet can’t find a spot. Exasperated, Rick prays to God: “God, if you find me a safe place to park my Rolls, I promise to go to synagogue every Saturday, to study Torah, to give money to the yeshiva and to make Aliyah. Just then, a Bentley pulls out of a parking spot right in front of a bank. Rick prays, “OK, forget about it God. I just found a place.”
Money can’t buy happiness but it’s better to be depressed in your Bentley than depressed riding public transit.

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Re: Goldstein Nail Company

#20

Post by RickD » Wed Nov 06, 2019 4:28 pm

Fliegender wrote:
Wed Nov 06, 2019 4:14 pm
Rick is a rich businessman, personable in every respect but not given to religion at all. One day, Rick is driving his Rolls in Jacksonville looking for a parking spot. He keeps driving around and around yet can’t find a spot. Exasperated, Rick prays to God: “God, if you find me a safe place to park my Rolls, I promise to go to synagogue every Saturday, to study Torah, to give money to the yeshiva and to make Aliyah. Just then, a Bentley pulls out of a parking spot right in front of a bank. Rick prays, “OK, forget about it God. I just found a place.”
Nobody owns a Rolls, nor a Bentley in Jacksonville. And there aren't any Jews named Rick, either.


But, here's a true story that actually happened to me on a bridge, in Jacksonville:

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"

Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
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Fliegender (Wed Nov 06, 2019 4:35 pm)
John 5:24
24 “Truly, truly, I say to you, he who hears My word, and believes Him who sent Me, has eternal life, and does not come into judgment, but has passed out of death into life.

Kenny wrote:
"You don’t need faith, logic, reason, proof, or anything else to be atheist, all you need to do is reject what someone told you."



St. Richard the Sarcastic--The Patron Saint of Irony

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Re: Goldstein Nail Company

#21

Post by Fliegender » Wed Nov 06, 2019 4:43 pm

RickD wrote:
Wed Nov 06, 2019 4:28 pm
...
Nobody owns a Rolls, nor a Bentley in Jacksonville. And there aren't any Jews named Rick, either...
I’ve been to Jacksonville. With all the African Americans there, someone with gold rings on all his fingers and gold chains around his neck certainly owns a Bentley. As for Rick in his Rolls, he drove up from Surfside in Miami. He’s Jewish if he lives in Surfside.
What do you think? ...that I make up these stories?
Money can’t buy happiness but it’s better to be depressed in your Bentley than depressed riding public transit.

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Re: Goldstein Nail Company

#22

Post by RickD » Thu Nov 07, 2019 4:56 am

FL wrote:
What do you think? ...that I make up these stories?
Oh no...I believe that in your mind, these stories actually happened.
John 5:24
24 “Truly, truly, I say to you, he who hears My word, and believes Him who sent Me, has eternal life, and does not come into judgment, but has passed out of death into life.

Kenny wrote:
"You don’t need faith, logic, reason, proof, or anything else to be atheist, all you need to do is reject what someone told you."



St. Richard the Sarcastic--The Patron Saint of Irony

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Re: Goldstein Nail Company

#23

Post by Fliegender » Thu Nov 07, 2019 4:55 pm

Rick steals a bus pass from an old blind woman; the bus is in a terrible accident and Rick enters Abraham’s Bosom. He meets God at the Mercy Seat and God asks him, "So, Rick, give Me an account of your life."

"Well, HaShem, I wasn’t a good father to my son. That’s my greatest failure.”

“Tell me about that” asks God.

“Well, HaShem, I was a lackadaisical Jew - as you no doubt know - ...and because of this my son renounced his religion and became a Christian!...and now he’s been promoted to Cardinal! I’m so ashamed...”

“Yes, Rick...I can relate. My Son even said He was Me...”
Money can’t buy happiness but it’s better to be depressed in your Bentley than depressed riding public transit.

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Re: Goldstein Nail Company

#24

Post by RickD » Thu Nov 07, 2019 7:22 pm

I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic...



in morse code.
John 5:24
24 “Truly, truly, I say to you, he who hears My word, and believes Him who sent Me, has eternal life, and does not come into judgment, but has passed out of death into life.

Kenny wrote:
"You don’t need faith, logic, reason, proof, or anything else to be atheist, all you need to do is reject what someone told you."



St. Richard the Sarcastic--The Patron Saint of Irony

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Re: Goldstein Nail Company

#25

Post by Fliegender » Sat Nov 09, 2019 7:56 pm

A policeman stops his cruiser under the bridge where Rick is living in his corrugated iron shack. The officer gets out of his car and eyes Rick. Rick watches the as he approches. “What’s your name?” asks the officer. “Rick. Rick Goldstein.” Thé officer continues, “You can’t live under this bridge anymore Mr Goldstein.” Rick answers...
“You call this ‘living’?”
Money can’t buy happiness but it’s better to be depressed in your Bentley than depressed riding public transit.

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RickD
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Re: Goldstein Nail Company

#26

Post by RickD » Sat Nov 09, 2019 10:29 pm

Fliegender wrote:
Sat Nov 09, 2019 7:56 pm
A policeman stops his cruiser under the bridge where Rick is living in his corrugated iron shack. The officer gets out of his car and eyes Rick. Rick watches the as he approches. “What’s your name?” asks the officer. “Rick. Rick Goldstein.” Thé officer continues, “You can’t live under this bridge anymore Mr Goldstein.” Rick answers...
“You call this ‘living’?”
Oy Vey!
y#-o

"You call this 'a joke"?"
John 5:24
24 “Truly, truly, I say to you, he who hears My word, and believes Him who sent Me, has eternal life, and does not come into judgment, but has passed out of death into life.

Kenny wrote:
"You don’t need faith, logic, reason, proof, or anything else to be atheist, all you need to do is reject what someone told you."



St. Richard the Sarcastic--The Patron Saint of Irony

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Re: Goldstein Nail Company

#27

Post by Fliegender » Sun Nov 10, 2019 3:54 pm

Rick Goldstein drove his Rolls from Miami to Jacksonville and decides to call it a day. He drives up to an inn, goes to the front desk and asks for a room. “Do you have a reservation?” asks the clerk. “No” answers Rick. “Then we don’t have a room for you” says the clerk. “But your sign outside says ‘Vacancy’!” “Okay” says the clerk, “let me be perfectly clear: we don’t allow Jews in this establishment.”

Rick says “But I’m Catholic! Test me!” The clerk says “Okay, who’s the son of God?”

“Jesus, son of the blessed Virgin Mary and the Holy Spirit!” says Rick.

“Okay, where was Jesus born?”

“He was born in a stable in Bethlehem!”

“Okay, and why was he born in a stable?”

Rick eyes the clerk and answers...

“...because a schmuck like you wouldn’t rent a room to Jews.”
Money can’t buy happiness but it’s better to be depressed in your Bentley than depressed riding public transit.

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Re: Goldstein Nail Company

#28

Post by RickD » Sun Nov 10, 2019 4:32 pm

Fliegender wrote:
Sun Nov 10, 2019 3:54 pm
Rick Goldstein drove his Rolls from Miami to Jacksonville and decides to call it a day. He drives up to an inn, goes to the front desk and asks for a room. “Do you have a reservation?” asks the clerk. “No” answers Rick. “Then we don’t have a room for you” says the clerk. “But your sign outside says ‘Vacancy’!” “Okay” says the clerk, “let me be perfectly clear: we don’t allow Jews in this establishment.”

Rick says “But I’m Catholic! Test me!” The clerk says “Okay, who’s the son of God?”

“Jesus, son of the blessed Virgin Mary and the Holy Spirit!” says Rick.

“Okay, where was Jesus born?”

“He was born in a stable in Bethlehem!”

“Okay, and why was he born in a stable?”

Rick eyes the clerk and answers...

“...because a schmuck like you wouldn’t rent a room to Jews.”
:clap:
John 5:24
24 “Truly, truly, I say to you, he who hears My word, and believes Him who sent Me, has eternal life, and does not come into judgment, but has passed out of death into life.

Kenny wrote:
"You don’t need faith, logic, reason, proof, or anything else to be atheist, all you need to do is reject what someone told you."



St. Richard the Sarcastic--The Patron Saint of Irony

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Re: Goldstein Nail Company

#29

Post by Fliegender » Mon Nov 11, 2019 6:55 pm

Rick meets his rabbi after synagogue and they have a heart-to-heart chat.

“What’s on your mind, Rick?”

“Well...rabbi...you know I’ve not been the best husband to my wife ...”

“Yes, Rick, I know.”

“Well, rabbi, I was wondering why G-d made my wife so beautiful?”

“G-d made her like that so you would love her, Rick.”

“I see...and why did G-d make her so kind?”

“G-d made her like that so you would love her, Rick.”

“I see...and why did G-d make her such a good cook?”

“G-d made her like that so you would love her, Rick.”

“I see...but why did G-d make her so stupid?!”

“Well, Rick, G-d made her like that so she would love you.”
Money can’t buy happiness but it’s better to be depressed in your Bentley than depressed riding public transit.

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