My testimony - continued

Share how you became a Christian, or experiences from your Christian life.
tawny
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My testimony - continued

Postby tawny » Wed Jun 26, 2013 9:41 am

My Testimony - Continued

So, I finally turned back to Jesus when I got to the end of my rope. I was just entering my senior year of high school, and it was a good time for me. I was fortunate that my drug, alcohol and smoking use ceased immediately when I came back to God. What was unfortunate is that the damage from the abuse I had undergone was still there, buried below the surface. Because I had not told anyone, I had buried it, and so it sat there stewing and rotting, but I refused to look at it.

Spiritually, my senior year was a good one. I met some good new friends, and felt called to the mission field. So, 5 days after I graduated from high school, I boarded a plane for Belize and spent the summer working at a YWAM base near Belmopan. I have never been closer to God. It was wonderful, and I will always cherish that time. I actually felt that God was calling me to the mission field. So, I entered college at a Christian university where I was going to get a teaching degree. Again, it was a very good year. However, as silly and petty as this sounds, I had somehow convinced myself that I was not whole without a boyfriend and I was desperate to get married. When I was in high school, there was always a line of boys that wanted to date me. After I became a Christian, that all changed.

So, the summer after my first year of college I was at a friend’s house and I met Will. This was on July 7th, 1989. He said he was a Christian, he was a Marine (I saw that as protection), and he was interested in me. We started dating. A month later he asked me to marry him. There were red flags and flashing lights everywhere, but I accepted. 2 months later I was pregnant, and so we married sooner than we had planned. 10 months after my first daughter was born, I had another daughter. I now knew what those red flags and flashing lights were all about. Will was an abusive person. Not physically. But emotionally and as time went on, I would find out sexually as well. The only way I can put it, is he was mean to our girls. He resented them being born, and he took it out on them, NEVER saying he loved them, but instead insulting them, calling them names, demanding they leave the room when he came in, etc. This broke my heart, and I did try talking to him about it, but he wrote off my concerns. Somehow, I had gotten this idea in my head that I was powerless against men’s bad behavior. I dealt with it by praying, which of course is good. And protecting my girls from him as much as I could.

When my older girls were 10 and 9, we had another little girl, and 2 years later a son. My son was born in 2002 and Will was still in the military, and was being sent to Iraq. Still to this day, I have no idea why he would do such a thing, but he did molest our second oldest daughter who was 11 at the time. Well, thankfully, my daughter told her counselor at school about the abuse, and Will was arrested before he shipped out to Iraq. They sent him to jail for a year and he was put on probation for 16 years. He was ordered to not see our children.

Yeah. My world imploded. My faith was shaken. I went into the deepest of depressions and I honestly have little to no memory of the first 2 years of my son’s life due to that depression. I was furious with God. How could He let this happen to my daughter? When my mother heard this news, she confided that a family member had molested her when she was young, I had been raped, and now my daughter? I am still dealing with this. I still don’t understand and wish I could.

Now, here is the kicker. I still had this huge dome around me that told me that I had to accept this bad behavior. I did not file for divorce (God hates divorce) and decided that I was going to stay in my marriage and somehow make it work. Writing that now, makes me physically ill.

Praise Jesus, my doctor sent me to a counselor for my depression and eventually my story came out to her. I took the top off the toxic barrel of horribleness I had hidden for so long, and even though it was hard, physically, emotionally, and spiritually, I cleaned the barrel out and I heard truth. Slowly, I realized I answer to God. I answer directly to Him. I cannot stand by and watch sin and abuse and do nothing about it but pray. I need to take action to protect myself and my children.

So, I am in the process of filing for divorce. I am not sure of this. Really I am not. Because I want to do what Jesus wants me to do. But, I am proceeding. I am never going to remarry, so I don’t know if that is any consolation.

Where I am today, is trying to be able to trust God. The way I feel is that I trusted Him. I prayed for protection, for a change to my husband, and I tried to live my life in a way that was pleasing to Him, but crap happened anyways. My head knows God is worthy of my trust. It’s my heart that isn’t following. I do love God. And I know He is still working on me.

~Tawny
For these troubles and sufferings of ours are, after all, quite small, and won't last very long. Yet this short time of distress will result in God's richest blessings upon us forever and ever. 2 Corinthians 4:17 Living Bible

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neo-x
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Re: My testimony - continued

Postby neo-x » Wed Jun 26, 2013 11:44 pm

Tawny, Let me just say this, all the laws, whatever they are and may be were not meant to be chains that suffocate us. God is not blind. These laws were given so that we could restrain from bad and abuse, not to be a victim of it. You are doing the right thing. Jesus does not want you to follow a command because doing so will make him sad. Its for your own good. but now that good is gone and bad has taken its place. And to get away from it is the best thing to do.

God bless you.
People treat facts as relevant more when the facts tend to support their opinions. When the facts are against their opinions, they don't necessarily deny the facts, but they say the facts are less relevant or insignificant. This is ofcourse because believing things that make you feel comfortable, takes a priority. And I think that should not be the case if one is after truth.

http://johnadavid.wordpress.com

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Re: My testimony - continued

Postby Silvertusk » Wed Jun 26, 2013 11:56 pm

tawny wrote:My Testimony - Continued

So, I finally turned back to Jesus when I got to the end of my rope. I was just entering my senior year of high school, and it was a good time for me. I was fortunate that my drug, alcohol and smoking use ceased immediately when I came back to God. What was unfortunate is that the damage from the abuse I had undergone was still there, buried below the surface. Because I had not told anyone, I had buried it, and so it sat there stewing and rotting, but I refused to look at it.

Spiritually, my senior year was a good one. I met some good new friends, and felt called to the mission field. So, 5 days after I graduated from high school, I boarded a plane for Belize and spent the summer working at a YWAM base near Belmopan. I have never been closer to God. It was wonderful, and I will always cherish that time. I actually felt that God was calling me to the mission field. So, I entered college at a Christian university where I was going to get a teaching degree. Again, it was a very good year. However, as silly and petty as this sounds, I had somehow convinced myself that I was not whole without a boyfriend and I was desperate to get married. When I was in high school, there was always a line of boys that wanted to date me. After I became a Christian, that all changed.

So, the summer after my first year of college I was at a friend’s house and I met Will. This was on July 7th, 1989. He said he was a Christian, he was a Marine (I saw that as protection), and he was interested in me. We started dating. A month later he asked me to marry him. There were red flags and flashing lights everywhere, but I accepted. 2 months later I was pregnant, and so we married sooner than we had planned. 10 months after my first daughter was born, I had another daughter. I now knew what those red flags and flashing lights were all about. Will was an abusive person. Not physically. But emotionally and as time went on, I would find out sexually as well. The only way I can put it, is he was mean to our girls. He resented them being born, and he took it out on them, NEVER saying he loved them, but instead insulting them, calling them names, demanding they leave the room when he came in, etc. This broke my heart, and I did try talking to him about it, but he wrote off my concerns. Somehow, I had gotten this idea in my head that I was powerless against men’s bad behavior. I dealt with it by praying, which of course is good. And protecting my girls from him as much as I could.

When my older girls were 10 and 9, we had another little girl, and 2 years later a son. My son was born in 2002 and Will was still in the military, and was being sent to Iraq. Still to this day, I have no idea why he would do such a thing, but he did molest our second oldest daughter who was 11 at the time. Well, thankfully, my daughter told her counselor at school about the abuse, and Will was arrested before he shipped out to Iraq. They sent him to jail for a year and he was put on probation for 16 years. He was ordered to not see our children.

Yeah. My world imploded. My faith was shaken. I went into the deepest of depressions and I honestly have little to no memory of the first 2 years of my son’s life due to that depression. I was furious with God. How could He let this happen to my daughter? When my mother heard this news, she confided that a family member had molested her when she was young, I had been raped, and now my daughter? I am still dealing with this. I still don’t understand and wish I could.

Now, here is the kicker. I still had this huge dome around me that told me that I had to accept this bad behavior. I did not file for divorce (God hates divorce) and decided that I was going to stay in my marriage and somehow make it work. Writing that now, makes me physically ill.

Praise Jesus, my doctor sent me to a counselor for my depression and eventually my story came out to her. I took the top off the toxic barrel of horribleness I had hidden for so long, and even though it was hard, physically, emotionally, and spiritually, I cleaned the barrel out and I heard truth. Slowly, I realized I answer to God. I answer directly to Him. I cannot stand by and watch sin and abuse and do nothing about it but pray. I need to take action to protect myself and my children.

So, I am in the process of filing for divorce. I am not sure of this. Really I am not. Because I want to do what Jesus wants me to do. But, I am proceeding. I am never going to remarry, so I don’t know if that is any consolation.

Where I am today, is trying to be able to trust God. The way I feel is that I trusted Him. I prayed for protection, for a change to my husband, and I tried to live my life in a way that was pleasing to Him, but crap happened anyways. My head knows God is worthy of my trust. It’s my heart that isn’t following. I do love God. And I know He is still working on me.

~Tawny



Thank you for sharing what is a powerful and heart rendering testimony. I can't even begin to imagine the pain you have gone through.

I pray that you and your blessed children will find the peace that only Jesus can bring. Don't give up on God, he has not given up on you. God does not cause bad things to happen to people but he permits them for reasons we cannot begin to comprehend because he can see the good at the end of all things so I pray you will have the perseverence to keep going and that you will begin to feel a tangible presence of God in your lives and his overpowering love for you in your heart - for you and your children.


God Bless

Silvertusk.

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1over137
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Re: My testimony - continued

Postby 1over137 » Thu Jun 27, 2013 12:11 pm

God be with you, sister.
But examine everything carefully; hold fast to that which is good.
-- 1 Thessalonians 5:21

For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.
-- Philippians 1:6

The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, My God, my rock, in whom I take refuge; My shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold
-- Psalm 18:2

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Re: My testimony - continued

Postby CazPerth » Fri Jun 28, 2013 6:04 am

Tawny, my heart goes out to you. I want to share with you what kept me from God for so long. I am 53 and only just stopped being an atheist. I turned my back on God at the age of 10 when some pretty horrible things happened to me (thankfully not sexual abuse but I won't go into it here). I reasoned to myself that God must be a lie if awful things can be allowed to happen to innocent people and I hung on to that belief for 43 years. I decided I knew better, I thought was too smart for all that religious mumbo jumbo and pitied Christians that were deceived by superstition like Holy Ghosts and dead being raised (God forgive me for repeating these blasphemous things).

Now, looking back on my beliefs I am deeply ashamed to have thought those things and I have asked for forgiveness. I was really lost and empty in those years and made many bad decisions.

What I want you to know is what changed my mind. Somehow the Lord softened my heart by bringing into my life a person who could give me the answer. It was never God who did those awful things but humans who have rejected His word. The Gospel of Jesus Christ is freely available to everyone and we can all choose to follow it. Yes, there is evil at work in this world and we must overcome it until Jesus returns. Some will hear it and understand sooner than others, or like myself it may take a long time, some will never repent.

God is good! When you trust in Him you will find a love like never before. Be the person He wants you to be and fill your heart with love, look up and ahead to the light and not back to the darkness. You can not change the past or the things that happened but you CAN control your future.

I pray in the name of Jesus Christ our Saviour that you are guided by His light and seek comfort in His Word, that you draw close to Him through the Holy Spirit dwelling in you and find wisdom to overcome your trials. Ask that your burden be lifted and your path be smoothed by His love and grace, that you learn from the trials before you and become a stronger person growing in your full purpose to His Glory.

Gosh, there I go sounding like one of them Christians... :esurprised:

y@};- y@};- y@};-

Love and peace
Carolyn

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1over137
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Re: My testimony - continued

Postby 1over137 » Fri Jun 28, 2013 11:03 pm

Carolyn, that was nice.

y@};- y@};- y@};-
But examine everything carefully; hold fast to that which is good.
-- 1 Thessalonians 5:21

For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.
-- Philippians 1:6

The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, My God, my rock, in whom I take refuge; My shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold
-- Psalm 18:2


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