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Re: In love

Posted: Tue Dec 05, 2017 9:24 am
by PaulSacramento
Nessa wrote:If you look at the divorce statistics, it would seem we arent so great at choosing partners for ourselves...

That is actually quite correct.
We are not very good at all because we don't know HOW or WHY and typically start from a selfish and self-centered place.

Re: In love

Posted: Tue Dec 05, 2017 11:03 am
by Philip
So, if one would like to be married, what would you list, in order of importance, as things you would look for - that is, if you were to do it all over again (for those already wed, well you've made your bed, might as well enjoy it :ewink: ).

List:

Re: In love

Posted: Tue Dec 05, 2017 12:53 pm
by PaulSacramento
Believes in God- Christian.
Selfless love - an understanding that love is a relational thing and other-focused love is the key to happiness.
Someone that is already happy and doesn't NEED someone else to make them happy.
Sense of humor.
Eyes and smile that I find beautiful.

Re: In love

Posted: Tue Dec 05, 2017 1:06 pm
by RickD
PaulSacramento wrote:Believes in God- Christian.
Selfless love - an understanding that love is a relational thing and other-focused love is the key to happiness.
Someone that is already happy and doesn't NEED someone else to make them happy.
Sense of humor.
Eyes and smile that I find beautiful.

Since you didn't say otherwise, would it be fair to say you'd be open to marrying a man?

Re: In love

Posted: Tue Dec 05, 2017 1:11 pm
by PaulSacramento
RickD wrote:
PaulSacramento wrote:Believes in God- Christian.
Selfless love - an understanding that love is a relational thing and other-focused love is the key to happiness.
Someone that is already happy and doesn't NEED someone else to make them happy.
Sense of humor.
Eyes and smile that I find beautiful.

Since you didn't say otherwise, would it be fair to say you'd be open to marrying a man?

If by man you mean woman, yes.

Re: In love

Posted: Tue Dec 05, 2017 1:26 pm
by Philip
TOP of Rick's list!

Image

Re: In love

Posted: Tue Dec 05, 2017 2:12 pm
by RickD
Philip wrote:TOP of Rick's list!

Image

Nope. I'm more of a wheat bread kind of guy.
y[-(

Re: In love

Posted: Wed Dec 06, 2017 7:45 am
by Nicki
Nessa wrote:
Nicki wrote:
Nessa wrote:I cant help but think of this movie...


I don't think I've seen that one - a similar story but I don't know if it turned out like in the documentary! There didn't seem to have been (in the doco) that agonising about not being able to be more than friends.

Well, I dont know... is being in love just a feeling? Something more?


Hmm, what's your experience? Nosy but I was hoping for some other viewpoints. I don't have much idea!


If I remember correctly, you and I both didnt marry because we were 'in love'.

I have no regrets and see in love as a feeling. I have felt those feelings before and to me it does feel like you are drugged. Feelings come and go and to me, love is so much more than being in love.


I quite liked those feelings - it would've been better if they'd been returned though.

I am a believer of arranged marriages done in a traditional way not the new 'married at first sight' way. NZ just had its first season of that reality tv show and had gay strangers get married. It didnt work. It was interesting that one of the gay guys put SO much emphasis on not being physically attracted to the other guy whereas the hetero couples got over any thing like that faster. They didnt just get stuck on the physical attraction, always bringing it up. But were able to move past it and see if anything else was there.


Wow, interesting - the arranged marriage thing, I mean. I kind of enjoyed the first MAFS series here but missed the second; by the third the format had changed and become more reality-TV-ish. Won't bother with it again. I think one of the women in the third series was like that about her 'husband' though - she just didn't find him attractive and couldn't get past that. I thought the poor guy was pretty cute - a bit of a waste really :lol: The silly thing though was that in that series at least they matched up all the participants to others from different cities - most of them were from opposite sides of the country so even if they got on really well they had this big decision to make about relocating. I was thinking, they should really do a separate series for each city. Or maybe not do any more at all!

Re: In love

Posted: Wed Dec 06, 2017 7:54 am
by Nicki
Philip wrote:Yes, to love someone is a choice. And if you love a person, you will also have strong feelings for them - if you don't, I'd say something is wrong.


How do those two ideas fit together though? If you're choosing to love someone (i.e. being loving to them?) why do you need to have strong feelings for them?

And we were made to be attracted by the opposite sex. I can't imagine marrying someone I wasn't attracted to.


So if you'd never met someone you were attracted to, who was suitable for you and also interested in you, would you have been happily single for the rest of your life?

Re: In love

Posted: Wed Dec 06, 2017 8:32 am
by Philip
Philip wrote: Yes, to love someone is a choice. And if you love a person, you will also have strong feelings for them - if you don't, I'd say something is wrong.


Nicki: How do those two ideas fit together though? If you're choosing to love someone (i.e. being loving to them?) why do you need to have strong feelings for them?



Well, it's not an either/or thing - If you love someone, that is, you've made a choice that this is a person for whom you desire to a point that this person is exceptionally important to you, then some feelings and attraction will precede that, and ever stronger ones will begin to follow your decision to love them. If we are talking about male/female relationships, even with initial attraction and some early feelings, it doesn't mean one's brain can't make decisions. BTW, attraction is not all physical, and yet it's a powerful part of it. The questions are, what are one's motivations and are the choices good ones, in whom they've chosen to love. But you'll not love someone of the opposite sex and not also have strong feelings for them. And the stronger one's mental/heart commitment to someone, the stronger the feelings will be. And you grow stronger in these the longer you share a common bond and experiences.
Philip: And we were made to be attracted by the opposite sex. I can't imagine marrying someone I wasn't attracted to.


Nicki: So if you'd never met someone you were attracted to, who was suitable for you and also interested in you, would you have been happily single for the rest of your life?


Not necessarily - millions are very lonely and desiring a special relationship that never seems to show up. But one needs to have a confidence in themselves, as a child of God Who meets their TRUE needs, and a sense of not requiring another person to complete them - as if they must have another to to make them a content person.

Re: In love

Posted: Wed Dec 06, 2017 8:31 pm
by thatkidakayoungguy
I dislike romantic types of love.
Too much dang headache and torture.
Plus, it seems to be overrated. What about other types of love? Like Agape? I like that idea.

Re: In love

Posted: Wed Dec 06, 2017 9:03 pm
by Nicki
Philip wrote:
Philip wrote: Yes, to love someone is a choice. And if you love a person, you will also have strong feelings for them - if you don't, I'd say something is wrong.


Nicki: How do those two ideas fit together though? If you're choosing to love someone (i.e. being loving to them?) why do you need to have strong feelings for them?



Well, it's not an either/or thing - If you love someone, that is, you've made a choice that this is a person for whom you desire to a point that this person is exceptionally important to you, then some feelings and attraction will precede that, and ever stronger ones will begin to follow your decision to love them. If we are talking about male/female relationships, even with initial attraction and some early feelings, it doesn't mean one's brain can't make decisions. BTW, attraction is not all physical, and yet it's a powerful part of it. The questions are, what are one's motivations and are the choices good ones, in whom they've chosen to love. But you'll not love someone of the opposite sex and not also have strong feelings for them. And the stronger one's mental/heart commitment to someone, the stronger the feelings will be. And you grow stronger in these the longer you share a common bond and experiences.


Ah, so you weren't talking about just being loving in the Christian sense, where you don't have to feel anything for the other person.
Philip: And we were made to be attracted by the opposite sex. I can't imagine marrying someone I wasn't attracted to.


Nicki: So if you'd never met someone you were attracted to, who was suitable for you and also interested in you, would you have been happily single for the rest of your life?


Not necessarily - millions are very lonely and desiring a special relationship that never seems to show up. But one needs to have a confidence in themselves, as a child of God Who meets their TRUE needs, and a sense of not requiring another person to complete them - as if they must have another to make them a content person.


I was kind of asking about yourself personally, but maybe that's what you meant by 'not necessarily'. I was a Christian but I didn't really have that contentment - I just wanted to get married and have kids. And I do feel a lot happier on the whole that when I was single - even if I really like having time to myself! I guess I should be able to understand the guy marrying a woman he wasn't attracted to at all - it's just pretty unusual. Not many people are as desperate as I was! :lol:

Re: In love

Posted: Wed Dec 06, 2017 9:54 pm
by Nessa
thatkidakayoungguy wrote:I dislike romantic types of love.
Too much dang headache and torture.
Plus, it seems to be overrated. What about other types of love? Like Agape? I like that idea.

Oh yes, agape love is so much easier than romantic love....
Having to love someone despite their behaviour is always fun.. :shock:

Re: In love

Posted: Thu Dec 07, 2017 6:46 am
by Philip
Nessa: Oh yes, agape love is so much easier than romantic love....
Having to love someone despite their behaviour is always fun.. :shock:


And our spouses well know this, right? :P

Re: In love

Posted: Wed Dec 20, 2017 7:19 pm
by thatkidakayoungguy
Bonobos tend to make love, not war, btw.