Marriage

Discussions amongst Christians about life issues, walking with Christ, and general Christian topics that don't fit under any other area.
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melanie
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Marriage

Postby melanie » Wed Jan 25, 2017 8:38 am

Marriage is bloody hard!
I've had many challenges in my life, work related, personal whether that be family or friendships, raising 4 children, 2 being teenagers... enough said and 2 twins who are mine in every sense of the word but not biologically and now that they are six, the many questions with sometimes difficult answers has only just begun but we are blessed. It's hard at times but the joys far outway the hardship.
The only success that really matters imo is how okay the kids are and mine are good, really good. With my eldest son's issues that have shadowed the past year, through all the tears and heartache he is okay.
It's so easy as mum to throw yourself into your children so much so that it becomes your all encompassing motivation. For everything.
This is not a post about how having kids is hard, it is and should be, nor is it about how many sacrifices you make because you're not doing it right if you don't.
It's about lying next to a man who you have been through the most amazing highs and lowest lows and always stuck by each other but he feels like stranger. Ironically at the same time being the person you know better than anyone. After 20 years you know every look and gesture, you know when they are being sincere. When they hurt and pretend otherwise, when they lie, you know them intimately and profoundly.
So you know when their unhappy.
And you know when you are also.
To feel lonely when you are surrounded by others is another form of loneliness. It chokes you emotionally and leaves you feeling selfishly empty.
To be in someone's presence but longing for companionship; going through the motions when you know your empty; wanting your hand to be held; to be looked at, acknowledged; to be wanted, just in the measure of your person.
Knowing that he feels the same way but unable to find your way back to each other.

We are both fiercely loyal and love our family immensely.
We would rather live like this than admit defeat, stubborn to the very end. Coupled with love. I love him and I have no doubt that he loves me.
A love that ties two people together through history, children, laughs, a thousand experiences and most importantly through faith.
But we have been patching together a failing marriage for so long that the glue is wearing thin. I see it in myself and I see it in his face. He grabs me sometimes and says 'I love you' not as a declaration but rather a plea to what we had. We hold each other and I tell him I love him which I do but it's a longing for what we once had and could and should be.

The sadness is just too much to bear. So we pretend.
And we do it well.
We are synchronised, when you have been with someone since teenage hood you become very attuned to going through the motions.
On the surface everything looks great, and I make sure it looks so.
But on the inside I'm struggling

I fill myself with every external thing, most importantly family and it keeps me busy! Almost never a dull moment. But in between the moments there's a deep loneliness.
So much so it's suffocating.
So I do the only thing I know and fill in the moments with whatever I can. Family being my main deterrent as is prayer and faith but drinking is another.
It numbs the loneliness and pain, I'm a smart girl, I know it's temporary and damaging but we are all a work in progress and I have many faults but brutal honesty isn't one of them.
Thats kind of the problem, as a realist and a non bullcrapper, I don't know how much longer I can keep up the charade.

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Re: Marriage

Postby B. W. » Wed Jan 25, 2017 9:36 am

melanie wrote:Marriage is bloody hard! much longer I can keep up the charade.


Spoke with another friend concerning same issue:

Said this to him, "Why would I want a new edition and go through all that stuff again?"

He laughed, and said, "I see what you mean..."

Think of it, if one finds someone else, goes through a divorce in the process for this, all due to boredom with each other, the new model will become just as boring in time as well as all you both having to go through the h-ll of breaking each other in.

Not sure if I can provide a cure or even a process to fix anything other than communicate with each other. Give each other time alone. Burn out can be cured. Respect each other. Seek the Lord.

Lot's of times, early in marriage the husband has to endure endless bombardment of - do you love me more than these... moments. And so it goes on and on back and forth. Early in marriage, oft without knowing it, each push each other away. Toss in kids and family stress, and wow - drifting away, short tempers, etc become commonplace and that, going through the motions thing develops over time, etc.

Likewise wives endure Husband fixing, wanting to go in some direction that threatens the sense security and other things. Toss in the cultural aspect of learning from stories of princes and prince charming. Men saving Lady love from bad guys. Is it any wonder we screw things up so easily: Prince charming snores like a fright train and Lady love likes to vent (talk) and hubby tries to fix when Lady want to vent endlessly subjects that are easily fix if Lady would just do this and that...

Next point: It is difficult when one side simply doubts God and persist in these doubts and the other does not. Just realize, men like to fix things and seek to fix their wives and wives like husbands to change by being motherish to them. What do I mean by being motherish?

Is just like a how woman teaches and disciplines kids.

Think about it... Lots of women do not see this, they can't help it because being as God designed them with instincts of motherhood. So, they often transfers that motherhood mode unto their husband to train them (men call this nagging: that - now do this, did you get that, I told you, Now... This pushes men away. Likewise, men's nature is to fix things and plot out directions to go; so they try to fix their wives and plot out their directions for them - rescue them. Results: conflict, inner turmoil, frustration, boredom, etc.

Men and women cannot fix each other. God can. We cannot.

This is where communication comes in and talking about how one likes to fix and rescue and the other side likes to direct- motherish mode, come to terms with this. With God's help, stop trying to fix each other, give each other times of rest, alone time, to regroup, re-learn to respect each other's differences, etc.

In this some sort of new stage of rekindling begins that I cannot explain adequately. However, if one or another or both have his or her mind made up creating doubt then not much can be done due to human nature unless both agree to attain prayer and help from a godly source of wisdom.

Hope this makes sense...
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Re: Marriage

Postby Philip » Wed Jan 25, 2017 11:48 am

Mel, so upsetting to hear of. Simply y[-o< for God to provide solutions, to heal, to change hearts, minds, dynamics, and any potentially inaccurate feelings or perceptions, and to re-ignite a passion for each other. To make you both realize how fortunate you are to have each other.

And thanks for being so honest, so that we know to pray for you both, and your kids.

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Re: Marriage

Postby Storyteller » Wed Jan 25, 2017 1:38 pm

Oh Mel....
I had to log in and respond to this, I'm where you are and it hurts like hell.
Hubbs and I are so entwined yet so distant. So many memories, so much love has been replaced with a longing to be free of the reminders of all that we have lost.
We know each other better than anyone, been together for 22 years and refuse to break our daughters heart and trust by splitting up yet we pine to do so, except sometimes, when we hurt and cry together.
Our relationship is shattered yet we still care.
We have stuck through misscarraiges, depression and an affair, all of which we are paying for now.. We cling on, just so that we can one day walk away.
We get by, by avoiding each other.
Sometimes, there is a remnant of what was but our pain is always there in the background.
Our daughter is our glue, our reason, our hope but only because she begs us not to divorce.
Hubbs isn't particularlly Christian so we can't even pull together over that.
If it were not for our daughter, and God, I would walk away, right now. Instead, I cry, and pray, every single day.
Faith is a knowledge within the heart, beyond the reach of proof - Kahlil Gibran

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Re: Marriage

Postby RickD » Wed Jan 25, 2017 1:40 pm

Mel,

I'm not one for the mushy stuff, so I'll keep it practical...

You can fall back in love with your husband. But you both need to make each other first priority.

You can't let your relationship be on the back burner. Make him #1.
1 Corinthians 1:9
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Re: Marriage

Postby Kurieuo » Thu Jan 26, 2017 5:53 am

There was something an Aboriginal elder (I think it was) once said to me. It was how before "white men" came with their wealth and possessions, the people were content and happy living off the land and relationships were healthy. Then when a "watch" is seen, discontent set in with some youth, and now they want the watch and their happiness is seen through attaining that watch. And then, more and more trinkets are seen, and more and more they seek after those things and eventually they're no longer content, satisfied or happy and always chasing after this and that.

It went something like that anyway.

In our Western society, think of what we are sold everyday. On the TV, in movies, TV series, magazines and books fantasising of this and the relationship, this or that man/woman, this that sexual encounter/s, and so on and so forth. Of course, within us, there is something that desires what we can't have. And when the alluring pictures (mostly lies) are presented, it leaves us with strong dissatisfaction in our own lives. Half the battle, of a healthy marriage, I believe, is killing off such lies.

Only then, can two fully turn inward towards each other, rather than walking hand-in-hand looking outward to the "bright and shiny" of what their relationship could be. A good counsellor once said to me when strong dissatisfaction was setting in within my marriage, what would it feel like if your love for your wife and vice-versa was taken to new levels, much higher and better than anything you felt in the past.

The big lie as I see it, always keeps calling to us from the outside, we must keep looking and striving to get what we want. The reality is, often the real solution to our satisfaction and happiness is to simply stop, be still, appreciate and build upon what we do have. The irony to all this is, when what we have is lost, then we often long for what we had. I've witnessed through others around me in life, there is often no going back once what we have is lost.
"Whoever will call on the name of the Lord will be saved." (Romans 10:13)

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Re: Marriage

Postby Philip » Thu Jan 26, 2017 8:01 pm

One thing is certain, ONLY under very specific circumstances are we to divorce. With God, all healing is possible. Sometimes, we have to go through terrible stuff before things can begin to heal. Sometimes, only then is when people begin truly acknowledging to themselves the depth of their issues. But for two people who love each other and desperately seek the Lord for their solutions - God can powerfully change things. I would suggest counseling from a mature, qualified CHRISTIAN counselor. Just don't make any decisions that are emotionally driven, easy to say, I know. So often, people want a quick end to the anguish and pain - which is typically a grave mistake.

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Re: Marriage

Postby melanie » Fri Jan 27, 2017 9:27 am

Thank you for your input and sincere responses. I have reflected on the words and wisdom of K, B.W and Philip. Your empathy Philip was beautiful, you big softie lol.
After posting this thread my initial reaction was to message my 'go to man' and ask Rick to delete the post. We are lucky to have you around Rick, not just because of your deleting powers but because you don't judge, don't ask unnecessary questions and are just a decent bloke.
Part of the reason I didn't delete is because of people like Annette, and your great big open heart and your honesty. Thank you for being so brave in the face of your pain. I know how difficult that is. Which can be perceived as weakness but is actually the exact opposite.

Truth is I hate I that I have revealed something so personal, it makes me uncomfortable. In actual fact it made me look into blocking websites so I didn't have to deal. With all the crap I've posted over the years on here this was the one that made me want to exit. Permantely.
Because it's not a theoretical discussion, a personal opinion, a theological debate it's about as personal as it gets.
And yea it's uncomfortable. As a reader and as a poster but more so as wives and husbands. As parents.
It's just uncomfortable territory.

But I'm done with pretending. Keeping up appearances, and play acting the status quo.
I'm terribly unhappy in my marriage.
I'm very happy with me. That may sound arrogant but not so; I'm very self aware and able to discern my faults.
They are many.
I can be a royal pain in the a*s. Let's face it anyone that knows me on here is secretly feeling a little sorry for my hubby!
Yes I'm the same in 'real life' as on here but probably worse. Loud, opinionated, uncompromising at times, a feminist, so yes a 'ball breaker'. I don't know my place if there is one. As far as I'm concerned my 'place' is to be honestly and authentically me.
But I've never changed. Never given a false pretense.
I am the the woman he met and fell in love with and the woman who drives him crazy.
I have learnt over the years to be a better version of me.
Tone it down, think before I speak, keep my feistiness at bay, listen and then some. Being a Mum has been the biggest factor in refining who I am. I work every day at being a better version of myself as the day before.
But I'm hard work.
I'm told this often by my hubby and I believe him.
I'm not into self depleting statements but I know that I can be difficult.
Because I challenge him.
All the time.
Not to be facetious but because the sum of who we are lies in our convictions.
Ironically we actually agree on politics and spiritual matters, it's just everything else. He is so sick and tired of me and I get it. I'm tired of always having to be the rock, knowing that I'm the strong one. When sh*t gets real I pick up the pieces.
Every time we have faced a crisis he falls apart and I'm the leader. That sounds arrogant but for the most part I have wanted him to be the leading force but it's not how he is wired. He argues for the role but falls apart in the face of it. I'm not trying to paint him in the light of being useless because he's not. He has taught me so many lessons in his passiveness.
His quiet and un-presuming manner is so alluring but in times of trouble he takes the quickest exit and leaves me to deal with it.
So I deal with the kids, the finances and every issue. Then he wonders why I'm so 'in charge'. It emasculates him but yet every time he steps back and leaves me to deal.
It's now so that there are things he doesn't even know about in regards to our children for I fear he won't be able deal with it accordingly.
So in protecting him I leave the burden to myself. I have conversations with my son that a father needs to be having but I know he can't so it's left to me. We have dealt with some major issues in regards to our son but he doesn't want to hear it, if it's too confronting then he shuts down.
So I am left to deal with it all. He happily relinquishes responsibility then wonders why the kids are closer to me and I'm making all the decisions.
It's because he let it happen.
It's because every time I needed him to be our family's voice he left it to me. Then he wonders why in so loud in regards to family decisions.
I'm the annoying alpha when all I really wanted was for him to take that role.

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Re: Marriage

Postby Philip » Fri Jan 27, 2017 11:03 am

Mel, I can see you've really analyzed your life together and its dynamics and challenges. My wife is a lot like you, in many ways. Actually, she and I are a lot alike in the assertiveness arena - and thus the great, ongoing challenge. Man, when we butt heads, it can get really heated. We, for so long, just seemed to have great periods of tranquility, and then these occasional blowups. Course, you can hit rough patches as well. I grew up with a gentle mother and a major alpha dad. My wife grew up with an a very aggressive alpha mother and a quiet, timid father - guess who she takes after :shock: ? What has greatly helped us is that we have emphasized showing grace, even when it isn't deserved. We try to catch each other before the other one starts to go off the rails - and help catch ourselves. I've particularly prayed about these sometimes painful dynamics. It ain't easy. One can't simply change their personalities, but we can our styles. We often laughingly note to the other that, "You couldn't be married to anyone else - even I can barely deal with your quirks." "Ditto!"

My total instinct is to lead. While my wife wants that, she also wants to lead (Um, what did God tell Adam about this?). But any big thing, she often wants me to take care of it. So, there's a bit of a dichotomy of attitude. Sometimes, if she is so determined to take over something, I say, fine. Every hill is not one to die on (I almost mean that could literally happen, LOL). But I think she would tell you that she and I both have realized that there are areas in which the other is best suited to take the lead on, and vice-versa. But we've also discovered that there are areas that each of us SHOULD be taking the lead on, that while that one might be not as well suited to it personality wise, things get messed up when what SHOULD be the more natural and effective person in a given situation shirks the role - which I see you describing. Clearly, this takes one letting go of some role and the other assuming it. But no one can lead if the other doesn't want them to. But one also won't lead if they simply refuse to. And no one can lead if the other won't come along side - even if that person leading isn't perfect at it - particularly, initially. We eventually discovered that my wife is FAR better at keeping our finances in (somewhat, haha) control. IN marriage, sometimes the dynamics of roles get established per personalities and traits, and so eventually roles are mapped out way before it is realized that there is dysfunction in how they are being implemented. Both male and female traits are from the Image of God. All that to say is, there has to be recognition of an issue, a willingness to address it together, with each giving up and also assuming certain roles. Course, both spouses have to work together on it.

Sorry, Mel, you know all this. But I can guarantee that from what you've indicated, what you have is far greater than what you don't have, but that there's lot that needs changing. The Lord knows what and how. We'll just keep praying for you both.

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Re: Marriage

Postby Byblos » Fri Jan 27, 2017 1:07 pm

melanie wrote:Thank you for your input and sincere responses. I have reflected on the words and wisdom of K, B.W and Philip. Your empathy Philip was beautiful, you big softie lol.
After posting this thread my initial reaction was to message my 'go to man' and ask Rick to delete the post. We are lucky to have you around Rick, not just because of your deleting powers but because you don't judge, don't ask unnecessary questions and are just a decent bloke.
Part of the reason I didn't delete is because of people like Annette, and your great big open heart and your honesty. Thank you for being so brave in the face of your pain. I know how difficult that is. Which can be perceived as weakness but is actually the exact opposite.

Truth is I hate I that I have revealed something so personal, it makes me uncomfortable. In actual fact it made me look into blocking websites so I didn't have to deal. With all the crap I've posted over the years on here this was the one that made me want to exit. Permantely.
Because it's not a theoretical discussion, a personal opinion, a theological debate it's about as personal as it gets.
And yea it's uncomfortable. As a reader and as a poster but more so as wives and husbands. As parents.
It's just uncomfortable territory.

But I'm done with pretending. Keeping up appearances, and play acting the status quo.
I'm terribly unhappy in my marriage.
I'm very happy with me. That may sound arrogant but not so; I'm very self aware and able to discern my faults.
They are many.
I can be a royal pain in the a*s. Let's face it anyone that knows me on here is secretly feeling a little sorry for my hubby!
Yes I'm the same in 'real life' as on here but probably worse. Loud, opinionated, uncompromising at times, a feminist, so yes a 'ball breaker'. I don't know my place if there is one. As far as I'm concerned my 'place' is to be honestly and authentically me.
But I've never changed. Never given a false pretense.
I am the the woman he met and fell in love with and the woman who drives him crazy.
I have learnt over the years to be a better version of me.
Tone it down, think before I speak, keep my feistiness at bay, listen and then some. Being a Mum has been the biggest factor in refining who I am. I work every day at being a better version of myself as the day before.
But I'm hard work.
I'm told this often by my hubby and I believe him.
I'm not into self depleting statements but I know that I can be difficult.
Because I challenge him.
All the time.
Not to be facetious but because the sum of who we are lies in our convictions.
Ironically we actually agree on politics and spiritual matters, it's just everything else. He is so sick and tired of me and I get it. I'm tired of always having to be the rock, knowing that I'm the strong one. When sh*t gets real I pick up the pieces.
Every time we have faced a crisis he falls apart and I'm the leader. That sounds arrogant but for the most part I have wanted him to be the leading force but it's not how he is wired. He argues for the role but falls apart in the face of it. I'm not trying to paint him in the light of being useless because he's not. He has taught me so many lessons in his passiveness.
His quiet and un-presuming manner is so alluring but in times of trouble he takes the quickest exit and leaves me to deal with it.
So I deal with the kids, the finances and every issue. Then he wonders why I'm so 'in charge'. It emasculates him but yet every time he steps back and leaves me to deal.
It's now so that there are things he doesn't even know about in regards to our children for I fear he won't be able deal with it accordingly.
So in protecting him I leave the burden to myself. I have conversations with my son that a father needs to be having but I know he can't so it's left to me. We have dealt with some major issues in regards to our son but he doesn't want to hear it, if it's too confronting then he shuts down.
So I am left to deal with it all. He happily relinquishes responsibility then wonders why the kids are closer to me and I'm making all the decisions.
It's because he let it happen.
It's because every time I needed him to be our family's voice he left it to me. Then he wonders why in so loud in regards to family decisions.
I'm the annoying alpha when all I really wanted was for him to take that role.


I had considered addressing the above point by point but I started sounding like a shrink psycho-analyzing a patient and I certainly don't want you to feel like you're being treated as such. I'm also quite certain you've entertained the thought of marriage therapy (and if you hadn't it is certainly worth a try).

I, like Philip, can identify and see some similarities within my own relationship with my wife. We've been together for 30 years, married for 25. And guess what, it is a struggle, every single day. I'm not going to go into specifics but what I can tell you is sometimes it is much, much easier to affect a change in yourself rather than expect someone else (particularly your spouse) to change. From what I've read I've no doubt that you two care very deeply about each other. This is the type of love and the type of relationship that's worth fighting for, with any means necessary. It's just that sometimes what you're fighting against may very well turn out to be your own resistance to change.
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Re: Marriage

Postby RickD » Fri Jan 27, 2017 3:07 pm

Mel,

I hope you'll not be offended if I'm blunt. Your marriage is worth whatever it takes to fix it. WHATEVER IS NECESSARY.

If you want to effect change in your marriage, you need to look in the mirror. You can't change your husband, you can only change yourself. You are very strong-willed and stubborn. I don't say that as an insult, but just to remind you that the most stubborn people, have an easier time doing things that they set their mind to. You need to set your mind to fixing your marriage.

But first, I think your struggling marriage is a symptom of something else...your relationship with God. If I were to bet, I'd bet that you don't spend enough time each day, praying and in scripture. It happens to all of us. We get too busy, and don't focus on the most important thing in our life.

Get your relationship right with God, and you'll find your relationship with your husband will improve. I'd bet the house on it. It's very simple advice, and it works.

Sometimes I wish I were more stubborn. Use it to your advantage.
1 Corinthians 1:9
9 God is faithful, through whom you were called into fellowship with His Son, Jesus Christ our Lord.

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Re: Marriage

Postby B. W. » Fri Jan 27, 2017 4:07 pm

Look over the comments Mel...

melanie wrote:... He is so sick and tired of me and I get it. I'm tired of always having to be the rock, knowing that I'm the strong one. When sh*t gets real I pick up the pieces.

Every time we have faced a crisis he falls apart and I'm the leader.

That sounds arrogant but for the most part I have wanted him to be the leading force but it's not how he is wired.

He argues for the role but falls apart in the face of it. I'm not trying to paint him in the light of being useless because he's not. He has taught me so many lessons in his passiveness.

Because I challenge him. All the time.

His quiet and un-presuming manner is so alluring but in times of trouble he takes the quickest exit and leaves me to deal with it.

I'm the annoying alpha when all I really wanted was for him to take that role.


What do you see?

Next, how did you two meet and fall for each other?
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Re: Marriage

Postby melanie » Sat Feb 04, 2017 5:26 am

B.W I see your point and agree.
I'm always the first person to admit my faults.
I do so in humour at times and with blantant honesty. It's not uncomfortable for me, it's my safe zone. I can change, grow and learn. It's within my control.
What I cannot control is my husband.
Nor do I want too.
But I want an honest reflection on both sides. I know my short commings and they are plentiful. I cop it on the chin. I'm hard work, argumentative and stubborn.
I can work with that and I do everyday. I try to better myself through self reflection, prayer and honesty.
I know how I need to fix myself.
That is my side of the puzzle.
And I work at it everyday.
It's thrown in my face and I deal with it, and own it.
But I am not responsible for my husbands actions nor his faults. Neither am I responsible for his inability to only focus on my issues and not tackling his side of the puzzle.
In my desire to 'fix' us, put all the pieces in place I focus on me because it's within my control. Which is why I so openly admit my faults because it's my way of fixing us.
But I can't control his insecurities or unkindness.
Nor can I control his inability to self reflect and stop blaming me and look inward.
The only way I can play this is his way, and acknowledge that he is right. And he is. I'm all the things he says and more.
If I fix myself enough then everything will be okay.
I know he isn't meeting me halfway but maybe I can carry this burden alone. If I reflect enough then maybe my shoulders are broad enough. That is why I paint the picture the way I have. Because it's my comfort zone. I am comfortable with admitting my faults because then I can work on them and then maybe everything will be okay.
One side of the puzzle.
There is another side.
Which I can't control.....
His inability to look inward and always blame and his aggression.
How can someone be so unassuming and placid in life so much so it's such an asset but be so angry and agressive with me at times.
It must be my fault.
or so I thought.
I can only work on what's in my power to fix and that's me.
I can't fix someone else, I can't change them or better them they have to be willing to take that journey themselves.
Last edited by melanie on Sat Feb 04, 2017 6:04 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Marriage

Postby melanie » Sat Feb 04, 2017 5:48 am

Philip wrote:Mel, I can see you've really analyzed your life together and its dynamics and challenges. My wife is a lot like you, in many ways. Actually, she and I are a lot alike in the assertiveness arena - and thus the great, ongoing challenge. Man, when we butt heads, it can get really heated. We, for so long, just seemed to have great periods of tranquility, and then these occasional blowups. Course, you can hit rough patches as well. I grew up with a gentle mother and a major alpha dad. My wife grew up with an a very aggressive alpha mother and a quiet, timid father - guess who she takes after :shock: ? What has greatly helped us is that we have emphasized showing grace, even when it isn't deserved. We try to catch each other before the other one starts to go off the rails - and help catch ourselves. I've particularly prayed about these sometimes painful dynamics. It ain't easy. One can't simply change their personalities, but we can our styles. We often laughingly note to the other that, "You couldn't be married to anyone else - even I can barely deal with your quirks." "Ditto!"

My total instinct is to lead. While my wife wants that, she also wants to lead (Um, what did God tell Adam about this?). But any big thing, she often wants me to take care of it. So, there's a bit of a dichotomy of attitude. Sometimes, if she is so determined to take over something, I say, fine. Every hill is not one to die on (I almost mean that could literally happen, LOL). But I think she would tell you that she and I both have realized that there are areas in which the other is best suited to take the lead on, and vice-versa. But we've also discovered that there are areas that each of us SHOULD be taking the lead on, that while that one might be not as well suited to it personality wise, things get messed up when what SHOULD be the more natural and effective person in a given situation shirks the role - which I see you describing. Clearly, this takes one letting go of some role and the other assuming it. But no one can lead if the other doesn't want them to. But one also won't lead if they simply refuse to. And no one can lead if the other won't come along side - even if that person leading isn't perfect at it - particularly, initially. We eventually discovered that my wife is FAR better at keeping our finances in (somewhat, haha) control. IN marriage, sometimes the dynamics of roles get established per personalities and traits, and so eventually roles are mapped out way before it is realized that there is dysfunction in how they are being implemented. Both male and female traits are from the Image of God. All that to say is, there has to be recognition of an issue, a willingness to address it together, with each giving up and also assuming certain roles. Course, both spouses have to work together on it.

Sorry, Mel, you know all this. But I can guarantee that from what you've indicated, what you have is far greater than what you don't have, but that there's lot that needs changing. The Lord knows what and how. We'll just keep praying for you both.


Thanks so much Philip y>:D<

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melanie
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Re: Marriage

Postby melanie » Sat Feb 04, 2017 5:57 am

Byblos wrote:
melanie wrote:Thank you for your input and sincere responses. I have reflected on the words and wisdom of K, B.W and Philip. Your empathy Philip was beautiful, you big softie lol.
After posting this thread my initial reaction was to message my 'go to man' and ask Rick to delete the post. We are lucky to have you around Rick, not just because of your deleting powers but because you don't judge, don't ask unnecessary questions and are just a decent bloke.
Part of the reason I didn't delete is because of people like Annette, and your great big open heart and your honesty. Thank you for being so brave in the face of your pain. I know how difficult that is. Which can be perceived as weakness but is actually the exact opposite.

Truth is I hate I that I have revealed something so personal, it makes me uncomfortable. In actual fact it made me look into blocking websites so I didn't have to deal. With all the crap I've posted over the years on here this was the one that made me want to exit. Permantely.
Because it's not a theoretical discussion, a personal opinion, a theological debate it's about as personal as it gets.
And yea it's uncomfortable. As a reader and as a poster but more so as wives and husbands. As parents.
It's just uncomfortable territory.

But I'm done with pretending. Keeping up appearances, and play acting the status quo.
I'm terribly unhappy in my marriage.
I'm very happy with me. That may sound arrogant but not so; I'm very self aware and able to discern my faults.
They are many.
I can be a royal pain in the a*s. Let's face it anyone that knows me on here is secretly feeling a little sorry for my hubby!
Yes I'm the same in 'real life' as on here but probably worse. Loud, opinionated, uncompromising at times, a feminist, so yes a 'ball breaker'. I don't know my place if there is one. As far as I'm concerned my 'place' is to be honestly and authentically me.
But I've never changed. Never given a false pretense.
I am the the woman he met and fell in love with and the woman who drives him crazy.
I have learnt over the years to be a better version of me.
Tone it down, think before I speak, keep my feistiness at bay, listen and then some. Being a Mum has been the biggest factor in refining who I am. I work every day at being a better version of myself as the day before.
But I'm hard work.
I'm told this often by my hubby and I believe him.
I'm not into self depleting statements but I know that I can be difficult.
Because I challenge him.
All the time.
Not to be facetious but because the sum of who we are lies in our convictions.
Ironically we actually agree on politics and spiritual matters, it's just everything else. He is so sick and tired of me and I get it. I'm tired of always having to be the rock, knowing that I'm the strong one. When sh*t gets real I pick up the pieces.
Every time we have faced a crisis he falls apart and I'm the leader. That sounds arrogant but for the most part I have wanted him to be the leading force but it's not how he is wired. He argues for the role but falls apart in the face of it. I'm not trying to paint him in the light of being useless because he's not. He has taught me so many lessons in his passiveness.
His quiet and un-presuming manner is so alluring but in times of trouble he takes the quickest exit and leaves me to deal with it.
So I deal with the kids, the finances and every issue. Then he wonders why I'm so 'in charge'. It emasculates him but yet every time he steps back and leaves me to deal.
It's now so that there are things he doesn't even know about in regards to our children for I fear he won't be able deal with it accordingly.
So in protecting him I leave the burden to myself. I have conversations with my son that a father needs to be having but I know he can't so it's left to me. We have dealt with some major issues in regards to our son but he doesn't want to hear it, if it's too confronting then he shuts down.
So I am left to deal with it all. He happily relinquishes responsibility then wonders why the kids are closer to me and I'm making all the decisions.
It's because he let it happen.
It's because every time I needed him to be our family's voice he left it to me. Then he wonders why in so loud in regards to family decisions.
I'm the annoying alpha when all I really wanted was for him to take that role.


I had considered addressing the above point by point but I started sounding like a shrink psycho-analyzing a patient and I certainly don't want you to feel like you're being treated as such. I'm also quite certain you've entertained the thought of marriage therapy (and if you hadn't it is certainly worth a try).

I, like Philip, can identify and see some similarities within my own relationship with my wife. We've been together for 30 years, married for 25. And guess what, it is a struggle, every single day. I'm not going to go into specifics but what I can tell you is sometimes it is much, much easier to affect a change in yourself rather than expect someone else (particularly your spouse) to change. From what I've read I've no doubt that you two care very deeply about each other. This is the type of love and the type of relationship that's worth fighting for, with any means necessary. It's just that sometimes what you're fighting against may very well turn out to be your own resistance to change.


Haha I am very analytical myself Byblos, so I always have to stop myself from the psycho babble, but thanks so much for your thoughts and a reflection on your own marriage. It's actually refreshing to know that other couples are having similar issues. We have considered counseling and at this stage I think it's the best option.
I have worked on myself to fix this and it's become apparent that it's not a solo endeavor but thank you y>:D<


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